14 weeks going on 30

14 weeks for pregnancy #2 is definitely feeling bigger and further along than the first time. I’m grateful though, very grateful.

My husband has always made it pretty clear that he never really wanted to have a boy for a child. I mean, not in the harsh way that I make it sound but more in a nervous way. But when you get pregnant you don’t have control over that.

We found out this week we’re having a boy.

My daughter was devastated. She desperately wanted a baby sister. She actually cried. I think she believes that this kiddo will come out as a crazy 3 year old super hero loving boy.

My husband was somewhat devastated too. He didn’t say anything but the sadness in his “oh. okay. yeah” sort of voice was evident.

Both reactions brought me to tears. I cried for being sad for them not getting what they wanted. And a part of me too wanted what we know best, girls.

I’ve since (in a matter of a few days) perked up to positive thinking and hopefulness and excitement of the new adventures we will have. And although I have NO idea what this little boy will be about, I feel confident that he’s going to be a pretty sweet kid, because that’s the kind of family we are.

The place that I still cry over is how much I didn’t realize that having a boy would make me realize how much my daughter is growing up. I’d saved all her clothes (well some of them have already gone to her cousins but they were going to return to us if we had a girl). I have a huge box full of shoes still good enough for a second kid to wear. I’ve been crying my eyes out whenever I think about going through her stuff and saying goodbye to it. I mean, we pass it on to her cousins (there are 3 girls younger than her). And I always hoped I’d see those clothes again… that somehow I’d get to kind of re-experience my daughter’s babyhood again. That’s kind of messed up thinking I know. Regardless these are two different people and regardless my child is growing up.

A boy. I know my spouse is anxious about it. For so many reasons. My husband doesn’t like guys generally. He talks about how gross and poorly  behaved so many of them are (I suppose, witnessing their behavior in high school and college). My husband still identifies with being more female. I know he worries about that, when raising a boy. I hope though we’ll raise an open minded understanding awesome kid who isn’t trapped in the little boxes that boys get put in. Although men have always had more opportunity in life, I still feel like they are gender trapped more than girls are. A girl riding a blue spider man bike wouldn’t cause any attention. But a boy riding a pink my little pony bike would. There is a huge double standard (because women are viewed as less than then men).

But anyway, here we are. This is really happening. I’m going to be sobbing as I clean out my daughter’s closet. I’m also going to be okay. And I am so grateful for their health and the gift that is being given to me.

 

7 weeks

The sickies. Oiye the sickies. I am grateful for this pregnancy  but damn the smell sensitivity, breast sensitivity, and emotional sensitivity. I feel like I am walking through a world of intense aromas. Like, everything is heightened x 1,000 and it makes me feel sick every time I smell something.

Goodness just last week I was finishing up a trauma assessment with a client in my office. The client smokes cigarettes & marijuana all day every day, and she reeked of it. As we were writing her trauma account together (very sensitive thing) I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I actually had to stop and tell the client I felt sick and I needed to leave and I would get my colleague to come in and finish the assessment. I ran to my friend in the office next door and told her she had to finish up with this client and I walked to the bathroom and just sat there feeling ill. I hadn’t eaten enough and that contributed, plus the god awful smells. Oh the smells. Working with substance abusing clients (mostly very low SES, in a hot humid weather when they have to take public transportation) is not pleasant when your sense of smell is heightened.

Second, I figured out what my breasts feel like. They feel like they are horribly bruised. Like every inch of them is a giant sore bruise, and on top of that, it’s like they are being injected like water  balloons and stretched to the max. So a water balloon filling up sore bruise. It hurts. I have shrieked out loud on several occasions when my daughter has hit them on accident. And it scares her when I do, because I never yell out like that.

Emotional sensitivity. I’m just exhausted, physically and emotionally. I have my hands in too many pots right now.

Just since Friday, this is what I’ve done:

Friday went to work, did a photo shoot that afternoon, made dessert for the bridal shower I was throwing the next day, attended the bridal shower, did a photo shoot Sunday morning, had to go pick up cat traps for this spay/neuter cat organization I volunteer with and delivery traps to my aunt as well as coordinate pick up from my house from the people who wanted to borrow them, e-mail my private practice clients, and edit the photos that I also took at the bridal shower. IT’S TOO MUCH.

And this Friday I leave for South Carolina for the bachlorette party. The last thing I feel like doing right now is getting on a plane.

Anyway, T minus 7 days til the ultrasound and we find out what’s really happening. Until then, I will exist in this constant state of queasiness and exhaustion. Worth it for sure, grateful for sure, and uncomfortable for sure.

 

 

Feel like I’m coming down with something

Last night my throat felt drippy and my ears felt full. Today I feel achey, my neck and shoulders hurt and  I have a sore throat. I hate being sick. My kid never leaves me alone when I’m sick. She is 10000000% more clingy when I am sick. I hope whatever this is that it passes soon.

T minus 2 weeks til the ultrasound. Yay.

My boobs are still so sensitive I want to scream if anything brushes against them. Smells are making me feel sick to my stomach and there is just a general sense of blah. A little nauseous but not terrible. I just generally have to eat to feel better. Eat frequently. Of course not the things I should be eating. Although for some reason peaches and bananas have been awesome lately so I’m going with it.

I really wish I had a Guinness beer right now.

I went shopping for some new swimsuits yesterday. My current one is tight (because I have gained weight). I scored a sweet deal because the two swimsuits I found (identical copies of each other, just in two different sizes, one bigger) were on super duper clearance. So I bought them both. One that fits now and another that I can grow into. Won’t hold me at 8 months but it should do for the next several. Because we have a pool and hot tub at my parent’s place in the country and my daughter ONLY wants to swim like 24/7… I figured I needed to be able to wear some kind of swim suit. Last pregnancy I don’t think I got in a swimsuit even once. This time around with a toddler it’s different.

 

19 more days

Just 19 more days until that first ultrasound. 19 more days, 1 bridal shower, 1 bachelorette trip, and a few photo sessions. I can do it. I can get there.

Today I had lunch with mom which was nice since I haven’t seen her for the last month sine she and my dad have been traveling. She expressed how excited she was about the baby and how it’s hard her her not to think about it.

I’m so cautiously optimistic. I can’t think of it as real until we get that first ultrasound and everything is okay. I can’t be super excited or think about really anything until we get there. I’m sure a lot of that is self-protective, so I am not as devastated if it doesn’t work out.

I remember that feeling the first time of wanting to be induced into a coma until ultrasound day.

I’m really trying hard to lose some weight. Except for today when I went to the ice cream shop and had a bowl of ice cream. eeeeeeeeeeeeesh. But other than that I’m trying to keep my calories around 1500 per day, and trying to burn up to 2,000 calories a day. Nothing insane. It’s no perfect math or anything. I did some research and found out that losing weight during pregnancy can actually be beneficial. (I am 168 pounds, about 8 pounds heavier than I was during my first pregnancy). According to the BMI scales I’m about 20-25 lbs overweight. So I’m not looking to drop down into the healthy weight range or anything, but a nice slow steady weight loss would be great. I know once the 2nd trimester gets here that’s a whole other story but I’m trying. Trying to be healthy. Trying to stay active. Reduce my risk of gestational diabetes and everything else not fun.

P.S. Plus gotta fit in that damn bridesmaids dress. (here it is in the dressing room).

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Dragging – 5 weeks

Today I am dragging. The hubs had to wake me up this morning when our daughter was apparently at our bedroom door. She’s finally in the “I think I’ll just come find you” phase instead of calling for us from her bed. Yeah, we’ve crossed that threshold. I had wondered at what point you stop putting a monitor in their room. I mean, it will be at least another year for that. But I can see how that transition might happen.

I’m so tired (thank you hormones) and I am also starting to work toward quitting caffeine. Except today I didn’t. I had my regular cup of coffee. I am almost out of my K-cups so I’m going that route. Tomorrow I will go down in size on the coffee and I also bought some chia black tea, which has between 25-40 mg of caffeine. I’m doing the step down program. Little by little until I get to barely anything.

I’m so worried about miscarriage. Not that there is anything I can do about it. It’s just like, in the last week, I have known or spent time with people who have all had miscarriages at 8 weeks. Well, meaning that when they went in for their 8 week appointment, the baby hadn’t developed/had no heartbeat, etc. So I’m just like UGH. Funny how the brain focuses on the next big possible problem. If the ultrasound is good in 3.5 weeks then I’m sure I’ll be focused on the genetic testing. Not that any of that is in my control at all.

Since I do have a 3 year old and my life is pretty damn busy with a ton of things it does make it easier not to think about it/obsess over it. I try to just allow myself a few minutes each day to really focus on it and then move on.

My boobs hurt like crazy. My daughter kicked me lightly in the chest today when I was tickling her and I thought I might pass out. I need a metal cage around them to protect them. They are already heavy and thick. Second time pregnancy, what kind of watermelons might they become.

On a random note I got a message from one of my friends (not a close friend but we did just stay with her and her husband in Colorado). I’ve met her mom a few times at some of her parties.

Friend: So, my mom just asked me if you were pregnant. Which is weird bc, no offense, we don’t really talk about you 🙂 She’s been known to be a little psychic. Maybe time to test 🙂

Me: lol! yes almost 5 weeks

Friend: What?!?!?

Me: Does she know if the pregnancy will stick?! Ask her that

Friend: Congrats! I’ll ask :p  It’s funny she usually knows when someone is pregnant, or going to die (shit for the morbidity)


So that was funny. Also my daughter has been non-stop talking about me having a baby in my tummy. We have not talked about it AT ALL around her. Although my husband’s step sister is about to give birth, so the idea of babies in people’s tummies in something she is familiar with. The husband even told me she told him I had a baby in my tummy about a week or so ago and he thought I had said something to her. Nope. Definitely not. Yesterday and today she has been saying “one day when I get bigger you will have a baby in your tummy and I will be a big sister.” She’s obsessed. So hopefully that’s a good sign. I really really want this to work out so I can inform her of the good news.

 

 

 

 

Numbers

Went to my doc’s office yesterday for the blood draw (I was 17dpo). HCG came back at 850 and progesterone came back at 17.7 so all is good.

I think it’s funny because I always lie to them when they ask when my last menstrual period was. I mean, this time around, I ovulated on day 21. With my first pregnancy, I ovulated on day 33. So anyway they never ask “when do you think you ovulated?” and calculate things on that… so annoying. So I just counted forward 7 days and lied and said my period was on July 25th that way all the dates would match up with everything. UGH AMERICA. Why do we do it like that?!

I won’t get my first ultrasound until I am 8 weeks. BOOOOO. So much to get through in the next month. With my first pregnancy, for whatever reason I got an ultrasound at 6 weeks. Damn. Oh well, now another month of waiting.