This evening, I went to the grocery store after I had put the baby to bed. Earlier today I went to the grocery store with her, but she was too grumpy and I was too frazzled to find everything I needed (I’m trying some new things out).
8pm on a Saturday night at the grocery store had me pondering so many things. For one, I always think about single people at the grocery store on a Saturday night. The old saying that it’s a place to “meet others.” I saw this as possibility when I strolled through the frozen food aisle by the icecream, and noticed two 30-something people each looking at pint sized ice cream. Is she single? Is he single? Do they have plans tonight? Looks like they both plan on eating ice cream. Could they eat ice cream together? Say hello?
For some reason, the Saturday night filter was really clouding my view of things. Everyone I saw seemed to stand out. Lonely. Different. Bored. Weird. Did I look that way? Arriving in my 2006 coupe (instead of our new 2013 nicer car). I had left my wedding ring at home. I looked tired from the days activities.
I wasn’t bored. I wasn’t lonely. At least, not in the way that I appeared (though I do feel substantially lonely at times). Probably a lot of the other shoppers weren’t either. I have a child at home, a spouse at home. I’m rushing trying to accomplish tasks while the baby is asleep. I’m squeezing out every free minute that I have to get things done. My Saturday night trip to the grocery store was out of sheer necessity.
However, it got me thinking, would this be my life? If I had left my marriage 3 years ago… would I be the girl in the ice cream aisle picking up a few pints? What apartment would I be living in? Would I still be trying to cook these crock-pot meals? It would be leisurely cooking, that’s for sure. My daughter wouldn’t exist. My spouse would be, who knows where….he, she… I have no idea. I remember him telling me about his trips en femme to the grocery store, being stalked by an employee who spotted him as a “trannie” and wanted to take him home for the night. Jesus sometimes I think about what I’ve already lived through.
If I were walking those aisles in the different dimension, would I be in shape or have let myself go? Would I be financially afloat? I’d still be driving this 2006 coupe, that’s for sure. Would the sight of small children make me cry and question my decision to leave? I’d be sleeping in tomorrow instead of waking up at 6.
I can’t answer any of the what-ifs, but for a minute, I felt like a new identity was placed on me. Relationships and life decisions can be so messed up sometimes.
Anyhow, everyone in the household has been sick this week. We’re all sleep deprived and grumpy. It’s time for me to take some nyquil and try to get as close to a full night’s sleep as possible, despite the likely wakings my daughter will cause.