“Are you happy?”………”I’m not unhappy”
Brilliant words from the Hallmark channel movie that I could have written myself. Maybe I’m great at compartmentalizing my life. Actually, I know I’m pretty great at it. I feel like for me there’s a balance that has to come in to play. If there are enough areas of my life that I’m satisfied with, they can mask the areas of my life that are complete shit. And that shit I’ve been able to seal away in what seems to be an airlock. I’m terrified of opening it up.
We’ve lost the spark. I feel my husband Adam pulling away. Maybe he is already pulled away. He’s around. He plays with our daughter. We talk and eat dinner and watch Game of Thrones. But when is the last time he held my hand? The last time he came up to me and hugged me? The last time he said I love you without me saying it first? If I think too much about it it breaks my heart. Our daughter is over a year old and we haven’t even had sex since I was 3 months pregnant. Yes, I just wrote those words. Yes it’s horribly embarrassing and isolating to put them out there. I know some of you have a history with me and it is so hard to be honest with you. I’m feeling the brigade of people that will bombard me with advice and YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING which has kept me from being honest for so long.
I want to connect with my husband. I don’t want to give up on our marriage. We work well together. We function generally like a well oiled machine. We don’t fight. We don’t bicker. But he and I, we’re dull. Last night we were sitting watching our show while eating dinner and I leaned over to hug him and he didn’t even hug me back. I know he’d say it was because he was gross and hadn’t showered (he’d just been running). But I don’t feel the return love.
I can’t help but always think that his underlying issues with being transgender, and his since closeting himself again, feed a growing depression. Maybe he’s pulling away for other reasons, I don’t know.
I can’t help but admit that my attraction to him has faded, and wonder if I will ever get it back. Life is scary as fuck when you look at it and think, will we continue on this mediocrity forever? I was so fucking jealous of his cousin this weekend. We went to see her in a play she was in, and she introduced us to her new handsome boyfriend who she’ll likely marry. I was happy for her. She was OVER THE MOON in love. You remember those days right? The first few months of a relationship when your partner couldn’t be anything but perfection? I ached for that. I longed for that. I felt so completely overwhelmed with emptiness. I started doubting my decision to stay married. Doubting my decision to bring a child into this relationship. Jesus was I that fucking selfish? Was I that fucking afraid?
I know Adam wants to avoid divorce at all costs. He’s a product of divorce and it killed him.
His hair is long, and I don’t like it. I am not attracted to his skirt wearing self, though honestly he only wears them to sleep. He doesn’t even paint his toes anymore and it makes me, sad. I feel guilty every time I put on a dress. I feel guilty when I do my make-up in front of him. I wonder how much he’s suffering inside. I wonder is he even attracted to me? Does he resent me?
I lie in bed and night and plan on writing him a letter about our marriage. I fantasize about the life we could have together. I plan on saying, we have to start acting in love. We have to start pretending to be in love. Actions drag feelings. We have to DO SOMETHING. Instead, I just get anxious. I lie awake. Another morning comes. Another hectic day of motherhood and working. I try my best to keep the house as tidy as my unorganized self can, because I know he likes it. I just keep on and seal that nasty box up. I smile and laugh and talk with my friends. I’m a hard working employee. I come home at night and we both laugh and play with our daughter. We connect with everything else in life, except with each other.