It’s so nice pretending to be normal

I feel so selfish sometimes for being so happy that my Adam is “back in the closet.” On the one hand I believe I should want the love of my life to live fulfilled to who he, or she, is. And on the other hand this sense of normalcy is so refreshing. As you all know, it’s not like things are 100% normal. Super long hair, shaped eyebrows, and tank tops and skirts at home isn’t normal. But to the outside world, we probably just look a lot like any other heterosexual couple. It always feels like a ticking time bomb; never sure when it’s going to go off. Always feeling that it might. Waiting for the day he wakes up and say, what the hell am I doing? I’ve GOT to live as a woman. I HAVE no other choice. That anxiety sticks with me every single day. 

There are these moments that we have. These perfect happy blissful moments. Those moments used to look like me curled in to his chest saying things like “I wish time could stop, right now. I wish we could just live in this moment forever. I never want this to end.” The feelings are the same, but the picture is different. Tonight, it was Adam lifting Lamb up my her arms and tossing her on the bed in a fit of giggles. I asked Lamb if she could tickle Adam. I showed her how. Adam let out the lightest airy giggle and shook his body like he was being shocked. Lamb squealed with laughter. She reached her arm to his t-shirt and touched him and Adam exploded into a fit of laughter. Lamb did too. We played the tickle game for awhile. Lamb was laughing so hard she would fall over. In that moment, I thought, this is bliss. I want time to stop. I want to stick here in this safe moment. I don’t want it threatened by Lamb growing up, Adam following his transgender dreams, or some even just an awful fate that could follow one of us. Nothing is ever certain. Nothing is ever safe. I know I can’t live my life through fear. I try to live in the moment. 

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Newborns

I visited Adam’s sister’s new born baby yesterday. Their baby girl is a week old. She’s adorable (I guess?) in that weird newborn way that …like no newborns are really adorable. They are kind of ugly. That’s at least my opinion though. Newborns give me the heebiejeebies. Adam’s mom called me and said “Did seeing the baby make you want another one?” to which I replied, no, quite the contrary, however spending time with my own daughter DOES. Our daughter, who for the purpose of this blog we’ll call “Lamb” is over a year old and so much fun. 

I dislike the way newborns move their faces around in weird ways. I dislike their uncoordinated tiny spastic hands. The sound of their cries. I really dislike how little they sleep and how much they eat. But, I know if I ever want another Lamb then I have to see newborns as a means to an end. 

Just this weekend we were watching Daniel the Tiger and the breaking news is that Daniel the Tiger has a new baby sister now. Adam looked at me and said “When is Lamb going to get a little brother or sister?” I think he was joking just because we were watching the show, but then I wondered, does he really want another one? Clearly we have some issues that need to be worked on before we can even physically make another child. 

Seeing this newborn little girl and her mother who looked like total shit (she did. Really, she did. I mean, lady just had a baby and baby has some feeding issues so I think it’s safe to say momma hasn’t slept at all in the last week). I of course told her she looked great but inside I was thinking, OH MY GOD I REMEMBER WHAT SHIT FEELS AND LOOKS LIKE. Thanks for the reminder. I do send her daily words of encouragement, sharing how hard it is and how she’s not alone. The worst thing about being a new mom is if you’re isolated and thinking every other new mom out there is in baby bliss.  

It’s hard to even remember Lamb being that small. Well, technically she wasn’t ever that small. She was over 9lb. That’s 2lbs more than her new cousin. So when I hold a teeny tiny newborn I think, whoah this baby is TINY! I’ve been thinking a lot about how people get so sad when their babies grow. I think I’m finally ready for the clock to start slowing down. I’m really enjoying Lamb right now and I can safely say these days I don’t want her to get any older. I want to bottle her up just like this and cuddle her forever. I couldn’t have honestly said that about her at 4 weeks old. I was happy for the growth at that point. Now time can freeze.

 

 

I’m not unhappy

“Are you happy?”………”I’m not unhappy”

Brilliant words from the Hallmark channel movie that I could have written myself. Maybe I’m great at compartmentalizing my life. Actually, I know I’m pretty great at it. I feel like for me there’s a balance that has to come in to play. If there are enough areas of my life that I’m satisfied with, they can mask the areas of my life that are complete shit. And that shit I’ve been able to seal away in what seems to be an airlock. I’m terrified of opening it up. 

We’ve lost the spark. I feel my husband Adam pulling away. Maybe he is already pulled away. He’s around. He plays with our daughter. We talk and eat dinner and watch Game of Thrones. But when is the last time he held my hand? The last time he came up to me and hugged me? The last time he said I love you without me saying it first? If I think too much about it it breaks my heart. Our daughter is over a year old and we haven’t even had sex since I was 3 months pregnant. Yes, I just wrote those words. Yes it’s horribly embarrassing and isolating to put them out there. I know some of you have a history with me and it is so hard to be honest with you. I’m feeling the brigade of people that will bombard me with advice and YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING which has kept me from being honest for so long.

I want to connect with my husband. I don’t want to give up on our marriage. We work well together. We function generally like a well oiled machine. We don’t fight. We don’t bicker. But he and I, we’re dull. Last night we were sitting watching our show while eating dinner and I leaned over to hug him and he didn’t even hug me back. I know he’d say it was because he was gross and hadn’t showered (he’d just been running). But I don’t feel the return love. 

I can’t help but always think that his underlying issues with being transgender, and his since closeting himself again, feed a growing depression. Maybe he’s pulling away for other reasons, I don’t know. 

I can’t help but admit that my attraction to him has faded, and wonder if I will ever get it back. Life is scary as fuck when you look at it and think, will we continue on this mediocrity forever? I was so fucking jealous of his cousin this weekend. We went to see her in a play she was in, and she introduced us to her new handsome boyfriend who she’ll likely marry. I was happy for her. She was OVER THE MOON in love. You remember those days right? The first few months of a relationship when your partner couldn’t be anything but perfection? I ached for that. I longed for that. I felt so completely overwhelmed with emptiness. I started doubting my decision to stay married. Doubting my decision to bring a child into this relationship. Jesus was I that fucking selfish? Was I that fucking afraid?

I know Adam wants to avoid divorce at all costs. He’s a product of divorce and it killed him.

His hair is long, and I don’t like it. I am not attracted to his skirt wearing self, though honestly he only wears them to sleep. He doesn’t even paint his toes anymore and it makes me, sad. I feel guilty every time I put on a dress. I feel guilty when I do my make-up in front of him. I wonder how much he’s suffering inside. I wonder is he even attracted to me? Does he resent me? 

I lie in bed and night and plan on writing him a letter about our marriage. I fantasize about the life we could have together. I plan on saying, we have to start acting in love. We have to start pretending to be in love. Actions drag feelings. We have to DO SOMETHING. Instead, I just get anxious. I lie awake. Another morning comes. Another hectic day of motherhood and working. I try my best to keep the house as tidy as my unorganized self can, because I know he likes it. I just keep on and seal that nasty box up. I smile and laugh and talk with my friends. I’m a hard working employee. I come home at night and we both laugh and play with our daughter. We connect with everything else in life, except with each other.