I feel so selfish sometimes for being so happy that my Adam is “back in the closet.” On the one hand I believe I should want the love of my life to live fulfilled to who he, or she, is. And on the other hand this sense of normalcy is so refreshing. As you all know, it’s not like things are 100% normal. Super long hair, shaped eyebrows, and tank tops and skirts at home isn’t normal. But to the outside world, we probably just look a lot like any other heterosexual couple. It always feels like a ticking time bomb; never sure when it’s going to go off. Always feeling that it might. Waiting for the day he wakes up and say, what the hell am I doing? I’ve GOT to live as a woman. I HAVE no other choice. That anxiety sticks with me every single day.
There are these moments that we have. These perfect happy blissful moments. Those moments used to look like me curled in to his chest saying things like “I wish time could stop, right now. I wish we could just live in this moment forever. I never want this to end.” The feelings are the same, but the picture is different. Tonight, it was Adam lifting Lamb up my her arms and tossing her on the bed in a fit of giggles. I asked Lamb if she could tickle Adam. I showed her how. Adam let out the lightest airy giggle and shook his body like he was being shocked. Lamb squealed with laughter. She reached her arm to his t-shirt and touched him and Adam exploded into a fit of laughter. Lamb did too. We played the tickle game for awhile. Lamb was laughing so hard she would fall over. In that moment, I thought, this is bliss. I want time to stop. I want to stick here in this safe moment. I don’t want it threatened by Lamb growing up, Adam following his transgender dreams, or some even just an awful fate that could follow one of us. Nothing is ever certain. Nothing is ever safe. I know I can’t live my life through fear. I try to live in the moment.