Skinny

As I sit here and eat milk duds, I think about my how my emotions and thoughts interact on a daily basis. I’ve never had an eating disorder, not textbook style anyway. I would binge on surgary foods as a teenager. I still do sometimes. I overeat when stressed, depressed, or bored. I make poor choices sometimes. As a teenager and adult I’ve always been just a little overweight. 

Like many American women, I have a difficult time not associating “thinness” with success/happiness. I generally try to just let these feelings come and then pass and go along my normal day. Sometimes though I’m shocked at the moments in which they get me. I mean, intellectually, I don’t believe all the hype. I KNOW that the shape of your body is just the shape of your body, nothing more. I suppose though the times I’ve been thinner, have been the times that I’ve been happier, more driven, doing better in life. So, I kind of assume when others have lost weight, they too are doing better. Better than me.

Envy of thinness is an interesting thing too. What got me thinking about this was this weekend I visited with Adam’s sister Sally, who has a 4month old baby. She didn’t put on a lot of weight during pregnancy, but I was kind of blown away with how ridiculously thin she had gotten since having the baby. I started thinking, gee she’s so thin, how did she do that. I wonder what she eats. I am so jealous. I am envious she gets to to to the gym and be a stay at home mom. I guess she’s trying to be a trophy wife for her older wealthy husband. I wish I could lose weight, why is it so difficult? Why do I have to love chocolate and wine so much? Ugh why is everyone else in life happy and successful and I am not? 

Gosh the mind is an awful thing sometimes. Why do I worry about what everyone else is doing instead of just paying attention to my own damn life? I keep telling myself, focus on what you have. Focus on all the positive. Live your own life to the fullest. You never know how much time you have left with anyone. Remember that each day is a gift. How would you want to remember life when you die? Worried about how successful you look to the outside world? The size of your pants?! God no. Just live. 

Today Adam’s mom called me and told me his sister had taken her baby to the doctor for his 4month check up and he had fallen in the weight percentile and the doctor was suggesting she feed him rice cereal to get his weight up. This of course sent her into a panic and tears and she was saying things like “Eve [that’s me btw] would have never fed Lamb rice cereal! Eve never had these problems! Eve didn’t do that!”  and I see how she’s comparing her mothering to my mothering. She’s guilting herself for assumptions about me that she’s making on her own, based off of the thoughts in her head. Thinking I have it all together, or had it all together. 

None us really do though, you know?

 

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5 thoughts on “Skinny

  1. robin says:

    Yesterday I was in the store and I ran into a mom with two kids (5 and 2) who was in the same baby gym class as my kids last spring. And I felt disheveled and overweight, where she looked clean and thin, and she seemed energetic and I felt tired. And I was like ugh, I need to step up my game. I compared myself to her and felt bad about myself for a while later! But you’re right, it is unfair to myself and to the other person. We all judge and are judged, and are way too critical.

    • Thanks for your comment. I really hate that about being inducted into society as a woman and that’s how our thoughts go. It’s really hard to change. I make it a point to almost NEVER comment on a women’s body, positive or negative. I don’t like it when people say to me “you’ve lost weight!” bc I want to say SO WHAT? Why do you care? Like, do you comment on how many bowel movements I have a week?

      • robin says:

        I had a friend who always told me I looked like I’d lost weight, like every time we saw each other after any time longer than a week. And I was like, WOW her mental image of me must be really fat! It wasn’t a compliment, it was weird, I wasn’t losing weight! haha…

      • I know! That is such a pet peve fo mine… people always saying “have you lost weight?!” like it’s the first thing that falls out of their mouth. I REALLY don’t want to pass on any of that kind of insanity to my daughter. I want to set a good example for how I talk about myself and others.

  2. Well, u know this is my struggle. I ended up picking my son up from daycare today and several of the mommies from his class were there. We were all chatting and I kept feeling like….this women had babies around the same time as me and they are thin. I am fat….what is wrong with me? It made me feel really depressed. But I am working on being more healthy… And can only hope that next time they see a better version of me.

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