As I sit here and eat milk duds, I think about my how my emotions and thoughts interact on a daily basis. I’ve never had an eating disorder, not textbook style anyway. I would binge on surgary foods as a teenager. I still do sometimes. I overeat when stressed, depressed, or bored. I make poor choices sometimes. As a teenager and adult I’ve always been just a little overweight.
Like many American women, I have a difficult time not associating “thinness” with success/happiness. I generally try to just let these feelings come and then pass and go along my normal day. Sometimes though I’m shocked at the moments in which they get me. I mean, intellectually, I don’t believe all the hype. I KNOW that the shape of your body is just the shape of your body, nothing more. I suppose though the times I’ve been thinner, have been the times that I’ve been happier, more driven, doing better in life. So, I kind of assume when others have lost weight, they too are doing better. Better than me.
Envy of thinness is an interesting thing too. What got me thinking about this was this weekend I visited with Adam’s sister Sally, who has a 4month old baby. She didn’t put on a lot of weight during pregnancy, but I was kind of blown away with how ridiculously thin she had gotten since having the baby. I started thinking, gee she’s so thin, how did she do that. I wonder what she eats. I am so jealous. I am envious she gets to to to the gym and be a stay at home mom. I guess she’s trying to be a trophy wife for her older wealthy husband. I wish I could lose weight, why is it so difficult? Why do I have to love chocolate and wine so much? Ugh why is everyone else in life happy and successful and I am not?
Gosh the mind is an awful thing sometimes. Why do I worry about what everyone else is doing instead of just paying attention to my own damn life? I keep telling myself, focus on what you have. Focus on all the positive. Live your own life to the fullest. You never know how much time you have left with anyone. Remember that each day is a gift. How would you want to remember life when you die? Worried about how successful you look to the outside world? The size of your pants?! God no. Just live.
Today Adam’s mom called me and told me his sister had taken her baby to the doctor for his 4month check up and he had fallen in the weight percentile and the doctor was suggesting she feed him rice cereal to get his weight up. This of course sent her into a panic and tears and she was saying things like “Eve [that’s me btw] would have never fed Lamb rice cereal! Eve never had these problems! Eve didn’t do that!” and I see how she’s comparing her mothering to my mothering. She’s guilting herself for assumptions about me that she’s making on her own, based off of the thoughts in her head. Thinking I have it all together, or had it all together.
None us really do though, you know?