Tonight Lamb is coughing. She’s coming down with something, hopefully something minor. A cold perhaps. I had forgotten to give her benadryl before bed (it helps her sleep without coughing), and the coughing started not long after she fell asleep. Sleep coughing? She wasn’t really awake. I decide to make her a bottle with some milk and some benadryl and wake her up and make her drink it because I knew her coughing would keep me up all night and it also just made me sad for her to be miserable.
I sat in the chair that I held her in so many nights. She quickly and easy took the bottle. I stared in her eyes. I savored the moment that we rarely get to have anymore. I thought of all the nights I cried in that chair just begging my child to sleep. All the nights she needed me. At the time, they were horrendous and never ending. Now, they’re over. I was sad, again.
I woke up after a horrific nightmare last night at 3:30am. I got up to pee and suddenly memories came flooding back in of all the nights I was up for hours on end. Dear God no. That’s how I felt. Can’t do that again anytime soon. Certainly not. It’s so completely amazing just going right back to bed after a quick bathroom trip. But I also miss cuddling my baby.