The Moments I Miss

Though Lamb goes to daycare most days of the week, her grandmother (my spouse’s mother) still takes her at least one day a week. This weekend she texted me “I’m going to take Lamb Tuesday. I want to take her to a pumpkin patch!.” As I read her text, I work to contain my emotional reaction of envy and annoyance. The first thought in my head was I was going to take her to a pumpkin patch. The weather just hadn’t cooled down enough. I wanted to take those photos with her there. I wanted to create those memories. Leave it to my MIL to want to always take any glory away from me. 

I then of course made myself rethink the situation and the ridiculousness of my thoughts. You can still take her to a pumpkin patch. Maybe it will even be better the second time around because she’ll know what it is and be more excited. You don’t always have to do everything first. It doesn’t really mean anything. Be happy that she’s getting to go spend time with her family.

The weather is gorgeous. The sun is shining. There’s no humidity in the air. It’s a perfect crisp first real day of Fall. I want to be with my daughter. I want to be at the pumpkin patch. Each little thing like this that happens makes me say to myself, this is why you have to get to a point where you can go into private practice so that you can spend more time with your daughter.  You have to make this happen. You have to find a way. This has to be fire under your feet. 

Sigh. I want to work, but I miss my daughter. Days like this make me really miss her, a lot… and realize all that I’m missing out on as she grows up before my eyes.

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I’m envious of the stay-at-home-moms-who-love-it

I know envy stems from an unhappiness with your own circumstances. I know when I feel a little out of control and directionless, I tend to envy more. I find myself envying something that I don’t even want. Well, that’s not really true at all. I’m envying something I know that I can’t have.

could be a stay-at-home-mom. If it was important enough for me to do so, we could make it work. We could find a way to swing it financially. Of course it wouldn’t be easy. We’d have to make some sacrifices. But if it were that important to me, we’d do it. But the thing is, I know that if I did stay home with Lamb, I wouldn’t be a happy mommy. I’d be a very sad mommy. Maybe if I had all the money in the world to shop and go places and do whatever I wanted I’d be a less sad mommy. But my life is really complicated trying to balance being a mom, a wife, and an employee. It’s not like my experience is unique. But it’s hard for me. I have all of these things I want to accomplish. I just don’t always know how to make them happen. I want to craft. I want to take my daughter to the beach. I want to exercise. I want to switch careers. I want to go on dates with my husband. I want to take romantic get-a-ways. I want to take my daughter to music class. I want keep the house clean. I want I want I want. I can’t. I just can’t do it all (no one can). And I find myself overwhelmed and sometimes paralyzed and frustrated trying to find a way to get to the next step, whatever that is.

Yesterday, Adam mentioned that when he was with his sister the other day she said that she wanted at least 2 more kids, if not more. That motherhood was the best thing in the world! When he said that, I felt envy. Complete envy. She stays home with her 5 month old. I always imagine her being isolated and lonely. They live on the outskirts of town in a 5,000 sq ft house…. $$$ Her husband is gone a lot for work. Who does she hang out with? What does she do? Is she not really going completely and totally insane being home all day with her 5 month old?! Is it not hard as shit? Does his screaming not totally stress her out?! Or is he just the perfect baby? What does she do all day? And by “do” I suppose I should mean, do to make her feel fulfilled? How does she naturally get that from just being a mom to her child?! and she wants more?! seriously? like, she wants to get pregnant right now?!

Envy.

I feel envy. I feel envy because I had a mom who stayed home, and it was THE BEST. (I also know that my mother was NOT fulfilled. She was a casualty of her generation). Somehow, it’s like I’m sitting here just waiting for the walls to fall in on Adam’s sister. Why would I want that? That’s horrible. I guess sometimes I just want validation as to how difficult this whole motherhood thing is. And when I see women who just say statements like, this couldn’t be better, give me more more more I think to myself, are you being honest?! I mean, I’m not saying that there aren’t oogles and oogles of things about motherhood that are the most amazing awesome fantastic fuzzy lovable wonderful wouldn’t-ever-give-it-up-for-anything times…. but, what about the times that you’re pulling your hair out?

Maybe I just like to complain about things and want others to join in. Perhaps I need to be more positive.

What I am essentially envying is the women who choose to be stay at home moms and love it. (Maybe everyone really does hate Cinderella?) I don’t envy the woman who choose or make sacrifices to be stay at home moms and struggle. Because dear God I know it would be a struggle for me. And being a working mom is a struggle for me too because I just can’t seem to always find that balance. I know that’s why I’m motivated to change up my career to find a way that my life can be a little more balanced. I want more time with my daughter. I just don’t want all my time to be with my daughter. I know that’s ok. I know that both ways (spending all your time, or just part of your time) with your kids is fine, if it works for you.