Though Lamb goes to daycare most days of the week, her grandmother (my spouse’s mother) still takes her at least one day a week. This weekend she texted me “I’m going to take Lamb Tuesday. I want to take her to a pumpkin patch!.” As I read her text, I work to contain my emotional reaction of envy and annoyance. The first thought in my head was I was going to take her to a pumpkin patch. The weather just hadn’t cooled down enough. I wanted to take those photos with her there. I wanted to create those memories. Leave it to my MIL to want to always take any glory away from me.
I then of course made myself rethink the situation and the ridiculousness of my thoughts. You can still take her to a pumpkin patch. Maybe it will even be better the second time around because she’ll know what it is and be more excited. You don’t always have to do everything first. It doesn’t really mean anything. Be happy that she’s getting to go spend time with her family.
The weather is gorgeous. The sun is shining. There’s no humidity in the air. It’s a perfect crisp first real day of Fall. I want to be with my daughter. I want to be at the pumpkin patch. Each little thing like this that happens makes me say to myself, this is why you have to get to a point where you can go into private practice so that you can spend more time with your daughter. You have to make this happen. You have to find a way. This has to be fire under your feet.
Sigh. I want to work, but I miss my daughter. Days like this make me really miss her, a lot… and realize all that I’m missing out on as she grows up before my eyes.