Why I feel sick when looking at this picture


I always question myself when I have feelings of envy. I’ve discussed it before. Why don’t I envy my brother, his wife, and his two beautiful amazing daughters? Why do I feel nothing but complete happiness for them? Probably because I truly love them. It’s hard to envy those that you love deeply.

Adam’s sister Sally is the person I envy. I kept thinking, why does it annoy me so much. Why does seeing their family pictures feel like a twist in my heart? Why her and not everyone else? What IS this? I feel like a horrible person.

Yeah, she married a douchebag (in my opinion) with a lot of money, got engaged 8 weeks after their first date and conceived their child 2 weeks after that. She quit her job and lives the life of luxury at home with her perfect son. Their whole house is restoration hardware. She gets to go to the gym and work out and be skinny.

Okay that aside, why else?

Why does this picture they had taken recently make me sad? I should be happy for her. She’s had it rough. She dated a guy through high school and college, got married, and then he became abusive and almost murdered her. Seriously like she could have died. She divorced him. It was devastating. She wondered if she’d ever have the happiness she dreamed of. She’s been watching all her friends get married and pregnant while she stayed single. That was really hard for her. (Granted, she just recently turned 30).

I think I figured it out. When she was divorcing her husband, I was going through a lot of the stuff that Adam and I were going through with the transgender things. I didn’t divorce him. I stayed in the marriage. I said I’d stick it out.

Now I live with a person who is rather depressed. Someone who probably hates the way he looks. He doesn’t like social events. He avoids many things. He has little interest in going out or doing much except running and skiing. We don’t connect well. I won’t get any happy family photos. I doubt he’d even take a family photo and if he did, I feel like I would be so freaking depressed looking at him wearing his baseball cap because he hates his hairline. Does he ever look “Sharp” or good? No. He puts little effort into himself. It’s really hard. Really really hard. So sometimes yeah, I regret staying in my marriage. I hate even typing those words. Sometimes I don’t regret it. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I just don’t think about it. I guess I see her and think, that could have been me. If I wasn’t so afraid. If I had just maybe thought that maybe we both DID need to pursue our desires separately, maybe we’d both be happier? Maybe? It makes me sick to even write those words. Would Adam be a woman now? Would I be blissfully married and living life in new romance? Of course Lamb wouldn’t exist and I can’t imagine life without her. But then the feelings of guilt pile in, that what if one day our marriage does end. I chose to bring her in to this. I selfishly chose to have her here. What kind of mom does that?

I still want to improve things with us. I know no family life is perfect. We could all use improvements, but mine does have an underlying layer of complication to say the least. But I think that’s what my envy is about. Something like that. I feel stupid writing about it, even divulging these kinds of thoughts, fearing  backlash. But I guess that’s why I moved this blog to be more anonymous. To be more real.

The comfy sweater

I have this knit/crocheted off white long wrap sweater. It’s frumpy. It’s not super attractive. It’s what I wrap around myself to conceal my body. It’s my “I don’t want to be here” sweater. I’m wearing it right now at work.

I just feel blah. So so so blah. Although I am excited about the Holidays and feel invigorated about some of that, in general I just feel stuck. I feel gross. Stagnant. Icky. Tired.

I wish I were exercising. I know that has a lot to do with it. I think I could make it a priority if I really tried. I probably could. I get home around 4:45pm. Lamb usually wants dinner at 5pm. Bath is at 6. Bedtime is at 7. I sneak out of her room by 7:15. I am tired. Adam’s usually just returned from running [he goes to the park and runs almost daily while I take care of Lamb]. He picks up some unhealthy dinner for us both, we’ll eat and watch a favorite tv show. I want to go to bed. If it’s a day that I have to shower, I shower. Then I have to blow dry my hair and flat iron my hair. I’m trying to get to sleep between 9pm and 10pm. Lamb has me up at 6am. I’ve got to leave for work at 7am.

I could try to work out after Lamb goes to bed. I could try to take her to the park when I get home on the days it’s not too cold, and just give her a snack to tide her over for dinner. That requires of course loading up the car, driving to the park, then driving home. (Wish we could just step right out and go walking but there are no sidewalks in my neighborhood and it’s not walking friendly). I could ask Adam to stay home with her, though I really don’t like that option because I don’t get to see her enough as it is. Working all day means I don’t like leaving her in the evening. There’s at least 1 evening a week that comes up where I can’t be home (like tomorrow, I’m going to straight to my mom’s house after work and we are going to go see a musical together. I won’t be home until 10pm).  So, I really don’t want to leave Lamb and I don’t want to be up late at night.

I have tried doing like a home exercise routine with Lamb. You know, squats, push ups, run around with her. Just be active and silly and try to work up a sweat. The problem is I get bored. I just can’t keep it up. There’s just too much to do around the house, though let’s be honest… I often just want to crawl into a hole and play candy crush on my phone and zone the heck out from the world.

I’m really hormonal right now. I got the Mirena IUD implant about 6 weeks after Lamb was born so I’ve had it in me for almost 18 months. I don’t get periods on it. But recently I’ve had like a week of copious amounts of clear watery discharge. Copious. Like, oh my god where is all of this coming from?! Then I started breaking out on my chin. Bad. Like one pimple after another. It just won’t stop. And then yesterday and more so today I’ve had more intense spotting. It’s like my body is saying HAVE A GOD DAMN PERIOD ALL RIGHT? It’s raging against the machine…..  I want to go into my obgyn and just have them remove it. It’s not like I have sex anyway.

I feel bloated. I feel icky. I don’t like myself. I feel stuck. My pants are tight. I am uncomfortable. I want to hide. I want to cry right now. I dislike feeling this way. All I want to do is eat. (and perhaps have some really delicious beer).

The comfy sweater signals that I’m not doing well. It signals that I’m shutting down rather than opening up.