The comfy sweater

I have this knit/crocheted off white long wrap sweater. It’s frumpy. It’s not super attractive. It’s what I wrap around myself to conceal my body. It’s my “I don’t want to be here” sweater. I’m wearing it right now at work.

I just feel blah. So so so blah. Although I am excited about the Holidays and feel invigorated about some of that, in general I just feel stuck. I feel gross. Stagnant. Icky. Tired.

I wish I were exercising. I know that has a lot to do with it. I think I could make it a priority if I really tried. I probably could. I get home around 4:45pm. Lamb usually wants dinner at 5pm. Bath is at 6. Bedtime is at 7. I sneak out of her room by 7:15. I am tired. Adam’s usually just returned from running [he goes to the park and runs almost daily while I take care of Lamb]. He picks up some unhealthy dinner for us both, we’ll eat and watch a favorite tv show. I want to go to bed. If it’s a day that I have to shower, I shower. Then I have to blow dry my hair and flat iron my hair. I’m trying to get to sleep between 9pm and 10pm. Lamb has me up at 6am. I’ve got to leave for work at 7am.

I could try to work out after Lamb goes to bed. I could try to take her to the park when I get home on the days it’s not too cold, and just give her a snack to tide her over for dinner. That requires of course loading up the car, driving to the park, then driving home. (Wish we could just step right out and go walking but there are no sidewalks in my neighborhood and it’s not walking friendly). I could ask Adam to stay home with her, though I really don’t like that option because I don’t get to see her enough as it is. Working all day means I don’t like leaving her in the evening. There’s at least 1 evening a week that comes up where I can’t be home (like tomorrow, I’m going to straight to my mom’s house after work and we are going to go see a musical together. I won’t be home until 10pm).  So, I really don’t want to leave Lamb and I don’t want to be up late at night.

I have tried doing like a home exercise routine with Lamb. You know, squats, push ups, run around with her. Just be active and silly and try to work up a sweat. The problem is I get bored. I just can’t keep it up. There’s just too much to do around the house, though let’s be honest… I often just want to crawl into a hole and play candy crush on my phone and zone the heck out from the world.

I’m really hormonal right now. I got the Mirena IUD implant about 6 weeks after Lamb was born so I’ve had it in me for almost 18 months. I don’t get periods on it. But recently I’ve had like a week of copious amounts of clear watery discharge. Copious. Like, oh my god where is all of this coming from?! Then I started breaking out on my chin. Bad. Like one pimple after another. It just won’t stop. And then yesterday and more so today I’ve had more intense spotting. It’s like my body is saying HAVE A GOD DAMN PERIOD ALL RIGHT? It’s raging against the machine…..  I want to go into my obgyn and just have them remove it. It’s not like I have sex anyway.

I feel bloated. I feel icky. I don’t like myself. I feel stuck. My pants are tight. I am uncomfortable. I want to hide. I want to cry right now. I dislike feeling this way. All I want to do is eat. (and perhaps have some really delicious beer).

The comfy sweater signals that I’m not doing well. It signals that I’m shutting down rather than opening up.

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4 thoughts on “The comfy sweater

  1. I’m sorry, it sounds like both you and your husband are dealing with so much emotionally and both depressed. I have no advice, although I don’t think you are looking for any, I just wanted to say I was here and listening.

  2. I’m right there with you. I get bored easily with working out, but I start to feel so awful when I don’t do it. One thing I have found to be helpful is YouTube. They have a lot of great free workouts and you can do something different every time you workout. I like PopSugar Fitness. They have 5 to 45 minute workouts.

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