Why I feel sick when looking at this picture


I always question myself when I have feelings of envy. I’ve discussed it before. Why don’t I envy my brother, his wife, and his two beautiful amazing daughters? Why do I feel nothing but complete happiness for them? Probably because I truly love them. It’s hard to envy those that you love deeply.

Adam’s sister Sally is the person I envy. I kept thinking, why does it annoy me so much. Why does seeing their family pictures feel like a twist in my heart? Why her and not everyone else? What IS this? I feel like a horrible person.

Yeah, she married a douchebag (in my opinion) with a lot of money, got engaged 8 weeks after their first date and conceived their child 2 weeks after that. She quit her job and lives the life of luxury at home with her perfect son. Their whole house is restoration hardware. She gets to go to the gym and work out and be skinny.

Okay that aside, why else?

Why does this picture they had taken recently make me sad? I should be happy for her. She’s had it rough. She dated a guy through high school and college, got married, and then he became abusive and almost murdered her. Seriously like she could have died. She divorced him. It was devastating. She wondered if she’d ever have the happiness she dreamed of. She’s been watching all her friends get married and pregnant while she stayed single. That was really hard for her. (Granted, she just recently turned 30).

I think I figured it out. When she was divorcing her husband, I was going through a lot of the stuff that Adam and I were going through with the transgender things. I didn’t divorce him. I stayed in the marriage. I said I’d stick it out.

Now I live with a person who is rather depressed. Someone who probably hates the way he looks. He doesn’t like social events. He avoids many things. He has little interest in going out or doing much except running and skiing. We don’t connect well. I won’t get any happy family photos. I doubt he’d even take a family photo and if he did, I feel like I would be so freaking depressed looking at him wearing his baseball cap because he hates his hairline. Does he ever look “Sharp” or good? No. He puts little effort into himself. It’s really hard. Really really hard. So sometimes yeah, I regret staying in my marriage. I hate even typing those words. Sometimes I don’t regret it. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I just don’t think about it. I guess I see her and think, that could have been me. If I wasn’t so afraid. If I had just maybe thought that maybe we both DID need to pursue our desires separately, maybe we’d both be happier? Maybe? It makes me sick to even write those words. Would Adam be a woman now? Would I be blissfully married and living life in new romance? Of course Lamb wouldn’t exist and I can’t imagine life without her. But then the feelings of guilt pile in, that what if one day our marriage does end. I chose to bring her in to this. I selfishly chose to have her here. What kind of mom does that?

I still want to improve things with us. I know no family life is perfect. We could all use improvements, but mine does have an underlying layer of complication to say the least. But I think that’s what my envy is about. Something like that. I feel stupid writing about it, even divulging these kinds of thoughts, fearing  backlash. But I guess that’s why I moved this blog to be more anonymous. To be more real.


2 thoughts on “Why I feel sick when looking at this picture

  1. Even if down the line you guys separate or divorce, that doesn’t mean Lamb can’t have a great relationship with her dad. There is nothing wrong with having parents who don’t live together. I get a lot of envy when I see good relationships. I get made at myself for past mistakes.

  2. All of your feelings sound so normal. Your situation is tough. Heartbreaking actually. I really admire your tenacity and courage and desire to be there for Adam and honor your vows or to maintain a two parents in the same home situation for Lamb. So many wouldn’t have been able to stick it out under your circumstances. But eventually something will have to give. Either

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