Is he dead?

I don’t have a lot of time to right, but I’d thought I’d at least check in at this space.

A few weeks ago, Adam was looking particularly depressed. Walking around the house looking like an empty shell, a zombie. I asked him if he was stressed about work, hoping the answer would be yes.

No, he said. I’m just depressed.

I feel like you hate me, I said.

I don’t hate you, he replied. I hate myself.

I know, I said. My heart sank. That icky feeling in my gut started to develop. We’re not doing well, I said.

Maybe we should see a couple’s counselor again. He replied.

How is that going to help? I said. It always leaves us in the same place. What conclusion can they really help us come to? We’re a paradox. Maybe you should just see someone on your own for awhile.

Well you know how that goes, he said. They always push you in one of two directions and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Tears were streaming down my face. I felt sick to my stomach, like I wanted to vomit.

I just want to feel alive, he said.

You have so much to live for, right here in front of you. Me and Lamb. I choked back through my tears, knowing that it wasn’t about that. Knowing that we wouldn’t ever be enough.

I just, I see in my mind how things could be with us, I say.

Like how? he asks.

Just, us… doing the things families do. Going on vacations. Laughing. Dancing. Talking. Hugging. Having fun as a family. Nothing special. Just, coming home from work and being excited to see each other. Waking up happy and energized and excited to be alive as a family. It’s just like, I can see our happy life. Like it’s so close but yet it’s not, I say.

He just lies there.

I’m just so afraid, I said. I just don’t want to drag Lamb through this. My heart is breaking for you, my heart is breaking for me, my heart is most surely breaking for Lamb,  I cried.

He laid on the bed in silence.

It was getting late. I couldn’t do this anymore. I just can’t talk about it anymore. I’m getting too upset. I need to go to bed.  I walked out of the room and slept in Lamb’s room, where I do every night.

I thought for a long while about divorce that night and what that would mean, for all of us. I thought about how I wanted Lamb to have a sibling so she wouldn’t be alone in whatever insanity follows in the future. I thought about how fucked up it all is. How I just wish we had normal people problems. I could barely sleep.

When I went in to work the next day, my coworker and close friend was complaining to me about her own idiotic husband. I burst into tears and told her Adam and I weren’t doing well. I told her I was scared. I was envious of normal people problems. I just wanted a jerk for a husband instead of a person with gender dysphoria. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life miserable in one way or another. We both started talking about how we’d both considered divorce. The harsh realities of what that would mean for us both financially, emotionally, being a single parent. We talked about the harsh realities of what that would mean for our kids and how we didn’t want our daughters to have another dad, or another mom. I lamented on how I never wanted to be a step mom. I don’t want to be a mom to other people’s kids. God I hate other people’s kids. I just couldn’t do it. And I know Adam would fall off the radar. I just know he’d be absent from Lamb’s life in a big way for awhile and I just can’t imagine doing that to a little kid, or any kid for that matter.

I know it’s got to be so confusing to all our families. Whatever happened to Adam coming out? There he, SHE, was, out. And then suddenly he was in again. And nothing was ever said. And nothing was ever done. And here we are continuing on like normal… except for his long long hair, which is twice as long as mine now.

It’s not so simple anymore. Not that it ever was, but dear lord this is hard. So that’s why I’ve been silent because, sometimes updating on the mundane parts of life just seems pointless when I don’t know, all of this is happening.

Lamb is 19 months. I’m already having to think about her 2nd birthday. I’m in the midst of considering a career change or at least big leap in career stuff. There’s so much I want done in the next few years. So many goals I have set. So much depending on it all.

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3 thoughts on “Is he dead?

  1. Mo says:

    oh hon, I wish I had magic words to make it all better. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But you are an incredibly strong person. Whatever comes, you will survive it and continue to be an amazing mom. I know it.
    Sending you a huge hug.

  2. I can see that Lamb is your biggest concern. One thing to consider is that if you have thought about divorce, it might be easier on her now than 5 years from now. I hope that’s not an awful thing to say…. My son has a friend, also 5, whose parents divorced when he was in the womb. He’s never known anything different, and he’s a happy little boy. He sees his father regularly and they have a great relationship. His mother remarried when he was 4, and they get along, him and his step dad. But most importantly, his mother is happy too. Really happy. Then there’s my college roommate. Her parents divorced when she was 18, and it appeared harder on her than any young child. Lamb will be okay. But you need to be okay too, just as Adam does, of course. You deserve to be happy, just as you want Lamb to be happy.

  3. same boat says:

    I’m in a similar situation and I could relate so much to this, especially the part about wishing you had normal people problems. All I can say is I’m sorry you’re going through this.

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