Dreams

I want to open up an indoor playplace near me that opens at 5am daily and has a coffee shop inside (and perhaps a margarita bar after 5pm). ALL the playplaces only do private parties on the weekends. Well, for all us working moms, I sometimes need a place to take my kid and especially on the days when she wakes up at 5am.

I keep having fantasies of running my own business. Any kind of business. Of course, I know nothing of business.

I feel this desperate need to work with my hands and create something. All of this “mind intensive” therapy crap that I do is just overloading me. I have fantasies of running away and becoming a landscape artist. If only I knew a thing or two about landscaping.

I have hit burn out so hard on my job right now it feels like I could just walk away today and quit. I really really really want to. I kind of want to cry when I get to work. It’s not that my work environment is that bad. It’s generally a pleasant place to be. I’m just SO BEYOND BURNED OUT.

I kind of want to leave counseling for awhile. But to do what?

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It happened

I finally had sex with my husband. <gasp> I finally was just like, this is happening. I am going to make this happen. Right here. Right now. I am writing this words- the last time we had sex was when I was pregnant (and my daughter will be 2 in a few months).

It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t butterflies in my stomach. But you know what? It was really good. TAKE THAT UNIVERSE. TAKE THAT.

A WIN FOR ME. I’m making this happen again because as it was happening I thought, seriously, why don’t we do this more often?

Perspective Changes

So, remember how I wrote about Adam’s sister getting preggers with her 2nd child, and how I just felt envious of the significance of that pregnancy for their marriage?

Well, I decided to invite her over for a play date. We had a great time. Her son and my daughter had a blast together. The time we spent together was rather enlightening, and instead of feeling envious of her situation, I actually began to feel a little sad for her situation.

It was Saturday. Her husband had been gone since Tuesday (he owns a company that stores people’s planes and he is a pilot so he will fly people around on their private jets). I asked her when she expected him back and she said maybe Tuesday and then she noted “I pretty much expect him to be gone all this month.”

They live in a gated community on the outskirts of a suburb of the big city (about 30-45 minutes away from my house in the city). I noted that it must be hard having her husband gone a lot. She stays home with her kid, so I asked her if she ever got to go see her step sister and spend time with her since her step sister lives in the city. She said no, they didn’t get together much. I then pretty much asked her who she hangs out with and she essentially said no one. Sounds like she doesn’t have any friends close by and not much going on. Isolated in a big pretty house in gated community with husband who is never around. And when he is, he is apparently also working on flipping a house as well, so I assume when he’s home he’s working on that. Sounds like he’s rather absent.

I saw her again this Sunday, and she mentioned her husband was STILL out of town. He’d come back for 1 night and then left again for another week. Sounds like the pits to me. Pregnant with a 10 month old and no help.

I decided to invite her up to my parent’s country house for a weekend sometime soon so we could hang out with the kids. I know how important it is for my sanity to hang out with other moms. I’m trying to reach out to her so she doesn’t feel so isolated. We’ll see how this all develops.

Going back

I just scheduled a well-woman visit with my doctor in a couple of weeks. I haven’t been back since I got my Mirena IUD and then they checked it a month later. After being there so much during pregnancy (several times per week my last week, then of course the after delivery check, then the Mirena insert, then a month later checking the mirena), and all the hoopla.. I just, I don’t know. It was weird thinking about going back for a well-woman. I just needed a break. It was too much. And, there is like this weird thing of going back after you’ve been there for a different reason. Anyone else have this issue?

Also, I have a few questions to ask about my Mirena like, why do I have giant goops of clear discharge coming out of me. Like seriously someone actually cracked an egg white inside of me. An egg white a day, or more. It’s nuts. What’s that about?

Gratitude Chicken

Well just as I write about other people’s 2nd pregnancy announcements being hard to hear, Adam’s sister calls me up last night and tells me she is 6 weeks pregnant. Her son is 9 months old right now. I of course said congratulations and all that jazz. I know it won’t be easy to have them back to back. But a huge part of me was like, how… how are you even having sex enough to get pregnant right now?! How the hell is your marriage good enough to have a second child right now?! I felt angry and pity partied myself.

I wanted to drown myself in a box of thin mints but actually coped well and texted one of my best friends. She struggled with a year of infertility and got pregnant with her first at the exact same time that I got pregnant with Lamb. Our due dates were 2 days apart. My friend got pregnant this past November with her 2nd but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. 😦 I was very sad for her. Anyway, I sent her a text message saying “Adam’s sister called and said she is 6 weeks pregnant.” My friend texted me back How do you feel about that because it’s kind of hard for me to hear. I love that my friend can be so validating. I told her, that for me, it wasn’t about wanting the baby (like my friend does) but that of what it meant about their marriage. My best friend is so supportive, it’s really so nice. She knows that Adam and I are struggling (I called her the same day after my coworker had had come to talk to me).

I did assure my friend, that for some reason, strange or not, I don’t feel angry/envy when it’s someone I feel 100% total love for. Like, if my best friend were to get pregnant right now, I would feel SO genuinely happy. When my brother and his wife got pregnant with their third, I felt ecstatic for them. So, at least that’s good. It’s not every person on the planet having a baby that makes me want to barf!

I had to laugh though because when Adam’s sister called me to tell me she was pregnant the first thing on my mind was “I guess no more botox for you.” She had told me that as soon as she stopped breastfeeding her son, she was excited because she could get a refill on her botox. (She just turned 30). And hey, I thought I was progressive by just covering up the 20% gray hair I have on my head! Hah.

I think though, gratitude is important. Constant gratitude for what I do have. Remembering others less fortunate. I see them every day. We’re doing a study right now at my work helping people with post traumatic stress disorder and addiction. It’s pretty hard to hear their stories. I have a client right now, middle aged man, who was on his way to a family reunion a few years back. His wife and his infant daughter, were driving in the car in front of him. They were going over a bridge. Out of nowhere, a drunk driver slams right into his wife’s car and completely obliterates it. He tells me how he goes up to the car and sees body parts of his wife and he’s picking them up like he’s going to put his wife back together. He sees the car seat but it’s empty, no baby. They both died. After that, his life was practically over. I can’t even fathom something so horrible. And with this PTSD study, honestly, I hear WORSE things, if you can even imagine that. So, each day, I try to remember how completely grateful I am for every single thing I have.

I purchased a roasted chicken from the store the other day. As I was cutting it up I was saying in my mind, thank you chicken. Thank you for living and then being sacrificed so that I can eat and my daughter can eat. Thank you for this food. Thank you for how it’s so easy for me to just have this chicken and not worry about what I’m going to eat. I feel SO fortunate. Thank you for my warm house and my warm clothes. Thank you for my loving family. Thank you for the safety and health I enjoy. 

So, today I remember all the things I have. All the things I am. That life is precious. It’s okay to feel upset, but I do have SO ridiculously much to be grateful for.

My shoulders hurt yo

Lamb has become so clingy. I know it’s just a phase. I know one day I’ll be desperate for her to be clingy again as she pushes me away. But there are days when I think there might be fire coming out of my ears. On Sunday I’m pretty sure I heard the word “momma” about 8 billion times. I started to wonder why  my child had lost her ability to say any other word from her relatively good vocabularly. She even yelled MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA MOMMA as I was carrying her up the stairs. SHE WAS IN MY ARMS. I mean, seriously? She also threw goldfish at me from her car seat. I can tell we’re getting closer to 2 every day.

Lamb started not wanting to go to bed anymore. She wanted me to hold her and would freak out if I left the room. After a night when it took 1.5 hours to get her to sleep, I decided to try a more firm and yet still gentle approach. I know she loves her bed. I know she’s capable of sleeping in her bed. I indulged her once when she got upset when I started to leave. I picked her up and hugged her tight for a long time. I told her, Lamb is going to go night night. Momma is going to go downstairs. And in the morning, we will cuddle. I told her this about 10 times in a row. She silently listened. Then I asked her, What is Lamb going to do? She responded “night night” and then I asked And what is momma going to do?  She responded “stairs.” So, I put her in her bed. She cried, I walked out. She cried for about 5-10 minutes then stopped. The next night it was only a brief 10 second protest.

I also bought her the OK to Wake clock, which glows green in the morning at a time that I’ve set. I have set it to 6:15 am. I feel that’s an appropriate time. I’m not entirely sure how to train her. I’m not in the camp of completely leaving her in her crib to cry until it turns on (sometimes she wakes at 5:45), but I did put her in the adult bed in her room and laid with her in the dark until the light came on, giving her no verbal attention. I reinforce when she sleeps until the light comes on. I also talk about it a lot too. I think it might work. I’ll report back.

But the clinginess. The 100% mom show is making my back ACHE. Girl weighs over 28lbs. It’s hard to carry her around all the time. I know I’ll long for a day when I can hold her again, and so I tell myself that. But sometimes momma just needs a 1 hour break!!!! (and I do get one, at work, 40 hours a week).

All I need is a miracle

There are pros and cons to friends knowing about my life and my marriage. Pros: When you need someone to talk to, they already know so I can talk about it. No hiding. Cons: Sometimes they bring it up/ask about it when I just don’t want to talk about it. I’d rather hide my head in the sand.

One such person is a colleague of mine, Rachel. She’s a friend, in the way that a close supervisor/coworker would be. We don’t really hang out outside of work. She’s always been a therapist supervisor, but she’s always been there. And when Adam and I almost got divorced back in 2011, I sort of had to spill the beans. I was missing from work and I was a psychological wreck. So, she, along with two other coworker therapists (that I consider to be my closest friends) know that Adam struggles with being transgender.

(I started this post a week or so ago, and am just now finishing it, so yesterday was really well, a little while back).

Yesterday Rachel popped by my office. We gossiped about work craziness. She then asked if she could ask me a personal question. I knew where it was all going. How are things with you and Adam? You never talk about it anymore. I just, I wonder, how you are. I mean, you seem happy with Lamb and all, but are you two really happy? I just think about your marriage and all the things that make my marriage amazing and fulfilling and wonder if you experience any of those things. 

I tried to hold it together for awhile. I mean, speaking about it as it is. Eventually though, when I start talking about Lamb and my fears about all of that, I lose it. Break down sobbing at my desk. That of course causes Rachel to break down crying too. There we are, a blubbering mess of mothers crying.

She says she worries about me, wonders how I keep it together. That I’m so ridiculously upbeat and enthusiastic and always pleasant to be around at work. (clearly I compartmentalize) She doesn’t want me to waste my life and realize one day when I’m 50 that life has just been mediocre.

I told her that yeah, I think about that. I told her I’ve considered going back to see a counselor but what really is a counselor going to do for us? We always end up in the same place. It’s a fucking paradox.

Then, the religion talk started. She started talking about miracles and God’s work. She asked if I believed at all. I admitted that I’m sometimes agnostic, sometimes have some spirituality. Adam though, well, he’s intellectually spiritual. More on the Buddhist side? What does that mean? Guy has read probably 30 different books about worlds religions, philosophical debates, etc. He’s so freaking educated about it all. I admire and envy that. You can’t quote him scripture without him being able to quote back something contradictory or whatever. He knows his shit.

Anyhow, Rachel says, maybe, just maybe if we gave God a chance, if we just went to church twice, just to try it out and see how it could save our marriage. She said she wasn’t sure but maybe this was God, talking through her, trying to reach us. It was very loving of her. It was so genuine, tears coming through on her side. She was almost desperately begging me through her tears to give God a chance for us.

It didn’t help that it was already like 20 minutes past when I usually leave work to head home. But the awkwardness of someone asking you to turn to God is well, awkward. I tried to explain Adam to her. She asked if maybe I would just give it a chance alone. Errr… I just couldn’t accept her invitation in that regard. It was rough. Dude, the whole thing was rough.

Where am I going with this, I don’t know.

Fast forward to today-

Yesterday Adam and I had our 7 year anniversary. Maybe we said happy anniversary to each other? Maybe? I don’t even know. We did manage to hug once yesterday. I posted a wedding photo on facebook. I felt obligated to at least acknowledge it (Adam doesn’t have a facebook account but lots of our family members do). But I couldn’t write one of those gushy “I married my best friend and we are so in love” facebook posts. In fact, I was kind of crass. Under a picture of us eating on our wedding night I wrote “7 years later and we still dine by dew drop candlelight each night.” Hah. Yeah right.

I’ve been seeing lots of second baby announcements on facebook. It’s been making me so sad. So fucking sad. It’s not even about  envy of having the child. It’s about the fact that them having a second child means that their marriage is good enough to do so. I almost want to quit facebook. Sometimes I fantasize about living alone with Lamb. It’s not like I get much of a break from her anyway. It’s not like Adam helps at night anyway. Sometimes every part of my life is so good and so happy and enjoyable and then I come home and when Adam and I are in the same room it all just becomes depressing. The person I married just brings me down.

Insert expletive here.

And here you are all reading this. I’m sorry that I’m writing depressing things. And if you’re the kind of person that feels obligated to solve people’s problems, you probably shouldn’t be reading my posts. I know how hard it is to read the woes of another person when they won’t do a god damn thing about their woes. I counsel drug users for a living. I know it first hand. I haven’t come to my rock bottom yet I guess.

Plus, in a few short weeks Adam and I are going on a ski vacation and well… I need the break from Lamb and really don’t want to have to cancel the trip because our marriage has completely fallen apart. There’s never really good time to say to someone, honey, I don’t know if I can live with you anymore, is there?