All I need is a miracle

There are pros and cons to friends knowing about my life and my marriage. Pros: When you need someone to talk to, they already know so I can talk about it. No hiding. Cons: Sometimes they bring it up/ask about it when I just don’t want to talk about it. I’d rather hide my head in the sand.

One such person is a colleague of mine, Rachel. She’s a friend, in the way that a close supervisor/coworker would be. We don’t really hang out outside of work. She’s always been a therapist supervisor, but she’s always been there. And when Adam and I almost got divorced back in 2011, I sort of had to spill the beans. I was missing from work and I was a psychological wreck. So, she, along with two other coworker therapists (that I consider to be my closest friends) know that Adam struggles with being transgender.

(I started this post a week or so ago, and am just now finishing it, so yesterday was really well, a little while back).

Yesterday Rachel popped by my office. We gossiped about work craziness. She then asked if she could ask me a personal question. I knew where it was all going. How are things with you and Adam? You never talk about it anymore. I just, I wonder, how you are. I mean, you seem happy with Lamb and all, but are you two really happy? I just think about your marriage and all the things that make my marriage amazing and fulfilling and wonder if you experience any of those things. 

I tried to hold it together for awhile. I mean, speaking about it as it is. Eventually though, when I start talking about Lamb and my fears about all of that, I lose it. Break down sobbing at my desk. That of course causes Rachel to break down crying too. There we are, a blubbering mess of mothers crying.

She says she worries about me, wonders how I keep it together. That I’m so ridiculously upbeat and enthusiastic and always pleasant to be around at work. (clearly I compartmentalize) She doesn’t want me to waste my life and realize one day when I’m 50 that life has just been mediocre.

I told her that yeah, I think about that. I told her I’ve considered going back to see a counselor but what really is a counselor going to do for us? We always end up in the same place. It’s a fucking paradox.

Then, the religion talk started. She started talking about miracles and God’s work. She asked if I believed at all. I admitted that I’m sometimes agnostic, sometimes have some spirituality. Adam though, well, he’s intellectually spiritual. More on the Buddhist side? What does that mean? Guy has read probably 30 different books about worlds religions, philosophical debates, etc. He’s so freaking educated about it all. I admire and envy that. You can’t quote him scripture without him being able to quote back something contradictory or whatever. He knows his shit.

Anyhow, Rachel says, maybe, just maybe if we gave God a chance, if we just went to church twice, just to try it out and see how it could save our marriage. She said she wasn’t sure but maybe this was God, talking through her, trying to reach us. It was very loving of her. It was so genuine, tears coming through on her side. She was almost desperately begging me through her tears to give God a chance for us.

It didn’t help that it was already like 20 minutes past when I usually leave work to head home. But the awkwardness of someone asking you to turn to God is well, awkward. I tried to explain Adam to her. She asked if maybe I would just give it a chance alone. Errr… I just couldn’t accept her invitation in that regard. It was rough. Dude, the whole thing was rough.

Where am I going with this, I don’t know.

Fast forward to today-

Yesterday Adam and I had our 7 year anniversary. Maybe we said happy anniversary to each other? Maybe? I don’t even know. We did manage to hug once yesterday. I posted a wedding photo on facebook. I felt obligated to at least acknowledge it (Adam doesn’t have a facebook account but lots of our family members do). But I couldn’t write one of those gushy “I married my best friend and we are so in love” facebook posts. In fact, I was kind of crass. Under a picture of us eating on our wedding night I wrote “7 years later and we still dine by dew drop candlelight each night.” Hah. Yeah right.

I’ve been seeing lots of second baby announcements on facebook. It’s been making me so sad. So fucking sad. It’s not even about  envy of having the child. It’s about the fact that them having a second child means that their marriage is good enough to do so. I almost want to quit facebook. Sometimes I fantasize about living alone with Lamb. It’s not like I get much of a break from her anyway. It’s not like Adam helps at night anyway. Sometimes every part of my life is so good and so happy and enjoyable and then I come home and when Adam and I are in the same room it all just becomes depressing. The person I married just brings me down.

Insert expletive here.

And here you are all reading this. I’m sorry that I’m writing depressing things. And if you’re the kind of person that feels obligated to solve people’s problems, you probably shouldn’t be reading my posts. I know how hard it is to read the woes of another person when they won’t do a god damn thing about their woes. I counsel drug users for a living. I know it first hand. I haven’t come to my rock bottom yet I guess.

Plus, in a few short weeks Adam and I are going on a ski vacation and well… I need the break from Lamb and really don’t want to have to cancel the trip because our marriage has completely fallen apart. There’s never really good time to say to someone, honey, I don’t know if I can live with you anymore, is there?

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9 thoughts on “All I need is a miracle

  1. You do what you need to do and hopefully you have some close friends that will support you no matter what. Sorry about the god-speak, I don’t take kindly to people pushing out religion in any way on someone who isn’t out seeking something and clearly you weren’t seeking so i’m sorry about that. Awkward for sure!

    I hope your ski trip is fun and a good break, if at least from being a mom for a bit, we all need those breaks and especially so when we are doing basically a single parent thing most of the time. I’m always here to listen, sometimes you just have to pour out your heart even if it’s unchanged from last time but know someone listens and cares that maybe that helps a tiny bit.

  2. I’ve had people try god-speak on me my entire life, I won’t say what it makes me want to do… except it makes me want to punch them in the face.
    I wish I had words that would help you feel better, fix your situation, and give you the happiest of everything the world has to offer, because I know you deserve all the good. You are an amazing person, and I am glad to know you. You will figure this out, but it’s not going to be easy.
    One thing I will say, unhappy marriages that stay together for kids are worse than unhappy marriages who find happiness elsewhere. You both love Lamb, and you always will, but being unhappy together will only hurt Lamb in the long run. Trust me, I lived it.
    I’m always here if you need to talk!

    • Thanks! I didn’t feel like punching her. But I did feel a little guilty that I couldn’t behoove her plea…. it really was more awkard than infuriating. She wasn’t preaching to me or anything or judging me. Just desperately hoping that maybe I’d come to be enlightened like she has and that it could change my life. Honestly I have respect for that. I mean, if you truly believe people will go to Hell if they don’t believe in Jesus as your savior, then there’s got to be something wrong with you NOT to be trying to tell everyone about it and educate them. I mean, if you saw someone walking into a burning building wouldn’t you scream at them and try to stop them from going in?

      But yeah, thank you for words and your unending support!

      • I understand, and I totally get it. My issues with that have turned into anger from my younger years and the people telling me to pray for things that would never have been fixable with prayer, unless I had a deity directly on-call for only my issues. haha Sorry if I sounded harsh towards your friend, it wasn’t really my intention towards her personally, more towards people from my past I think. I hold a grudge like you’d never believe. 😉

    • You are very true, and you caught me in the same thing I tell my clients. I always roll my eyes about rock bottom. I definitely don’t believe people have to be at the bottom to be willing to change things.

  3. I’m sorry your friend went from being supportive to pushing religion. She probably felt like it was helpful but it was probably more helping herself (her need to help or feel useful vs what you actually needed). I also am often afraid to tell people about serious things because I don’t want them to ask me about them later. It’s why I never talk about fertility treatment while I’m doing it, because I don’t want people to be like, so how’s making a baby going …

    I hope your ski trip is restful and fun and maybe you can reconnect with your husband while you’re out .. or maybe find some clarity in your situation while you aren’t also being overwhelmed with Lamb’s daily care.

    • Thank you for your support. I wasn’t super annoyed by her religion, I mean, it came from a total place of love and desperation on her part. I mean, she really believes that that could change my life, and for her it was important that she do everything in her power to help me. It was just awkward…
      And thank you, yes I am hoping the ski trip might be helpful or perhaps enlightening. It’s hard to focus on relationship issues when you have a toddler and both work 2 full time jobs and it’s just oh my

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