There are pros and cons to friends knowing about my life and my marriage. Pros: When you need someone to talk to, they already know so I can talk about it. No hiding. Cons: Sometimes they bring it up/ask about it when I just don’t want to talk about it. I’d rather hide my head in the sand.
One such person is a colleague of mine, Rachel. She’s a friend, in the way that a close supervisor/coworker would be. We don’t really hang out outside of work. She’s always been a therapist supervisor, but she’s always been there. And when Adam and I almost got divorced back in 2011, I sort of had to spill the beans. I was missing from work and I was a psychological wreck. So, she, along with two other coworker therapists (that I consider to be my closest friends) know that Adam struggles with being transgender.
(I started this post a week or so ago, and am just now finishing it, so yesterday was really well, a little while back).
Yesterday Rachel popped by my office. We gossiped about work craziness. She then asked if she could ask me a personal question. I knew where it was all going. How are things with you and Adam? You never talk about it anymore. I just, I wonder, how you are. I mean, you seem happy with Lamb and all, but are you two really happy? I just think about your marriage and all the things that make my marriage amazing and fulfilling and wonder if you experience any of those things.
I tried to hold it together for awhile. I mean, speaking about it as it is. Eventually though, when I start talking about Lamb and my fears about all of that, I lose it. Break down sobbing at my desk. That of course causes Rachel to break down crying too. There we are, a blubbering mess of mothers crying.
She says she worries about me, wonders how I keep it together. That I’m so ridiculously upbeat and enthusiastic and always pleasant to be around at work. (clearly I compartmentalize) She doesn’t want me to waste my life and realize one day when I’m 50 that life has just been mediocre.
I told her that yeah, I think about that. I told her I’ve considered going back to see a counselor but what really is a counselor going to do for us? We always end up in the same place. It’s a fucking paradox.
Then, the religion talk started. She started talking about miracles and God’s work. She asked if I believed at all. I admitted that I’m sometimes agnostic, sometimes have some spirituality. Adam though, well, he’s intellectually spiritual. More on the Buddhist side? What does that mean? Guy has read probably 30 different books about worlds religions, philosophical debates, etc. He’s so freaking educated about it all. I admire and envy that. You can’t quote him scripture without him being able to quote back something contradictory or whatever. He knows his shit.
Anyhow, Rachel says, maybe, just maybe if we gave God a chance, if we just went to church twice, just to try it out and see how it could save our marriage. She said she wasn’t sure but maybe this was God, talking through her, trying to reach us. It was very loving of her. It was so genuine, tears coming through on her side. She was almost desperately begging me through her tears to give God a chance for us.
It didn’t help that it was already like 20 minutes past when I usually leave work to head home. But the awkwardness of someone asking you to turn to God is well, awkward. I tried to explain Adam to her. She asked if maybe I would just give it a chance alone. Errr… I just couldn’t accept her invitation in that regard. It was rough. Dude, the whole thing was rough.
Where am I going with this, I don’t know.
Fast forward to today-
Yesterday Adam and I had our 7 year anniversary. Maybe we said happy anniversary to each other? Maybe? I don’t even know. We did manage to hug once yesterday. I posted a wedding photo on facebook. I felt obligated to at least acknowledge it (Adam doesn’t have a facebook account but lots of our family members do). But I couldn’t write one of those gushy “I married my best friend and we are so in love” facebook posts. In fact, I was kind of crass. Under a picture of us eating on our wedding night I wrote “7 years later and we still dine by dew drop candlelight each night.” Hah. Yeah right.
I’ve been seeing lots of second baby announcements on facebook. It’s been making me so sad. So fucking sad. It’s not even about envy of having the child. It’s about the fact that them having a second child means that their marriage is good enough to do so. I almost want to quit facebook. Sometimes I fantasize about living alone with Lamb. It’s not like I get much of a break from her anyway. It’s not like Adam helps at night anyway. Sometimes every part of my life is so good and so happy and enjoyable and then I come home and when Adam and I are in the same room it all just becomes depressing. The person I married just brings me down.
Insert expletive here.
And here you are all reading this. I’m sorry that I’m writing depressing things. And if you’re the kind of person that feels obligated to solve people’s problems, you probably shouldn’t be reading my posts. I know how hard it is to read the woes of another person when they won’t do a god damn thing about their woes. I counsel drug users for a living. I know it first hand. I haven’t come to my rock bottom yet I guess.
Plus, in a few short weeks Adam and I are going on a ski vacation and well… I need the break from Lamb and really don’t want to have to cancel the trip because our marriage has completely fallen apart. There’s never really good time to say to someone, honey, I don’t know if I can live with you anymore, is there?