Well just as I write about other people’s 2nd pregnancy announcements being hard to hear, Adam’s sister calls me up last night and tells me she is 6 weeks pregnant. Her son is 9 months old right now. I of course said congratulations and all that jazz. I know it won’t be easy to have them back to back. But a huge part of me was like, how… how are you even having sex enough to get pregnant right now?! How the hell is your marriage good enough to have a second child right now?! I felt angry and pity partied myself.
I wanted to drown myself in a box of thin mints but actually coped well and texted one of my best friends. She struggled with a year of infertility and got pregnant with her first at the exact same time that I got pregnant with Lamb. Our due dates were 2 days apart. My friend got pregnant this past November with her 2nd but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. 😦 I was very sad for her. Anyway, I sent her a text message saying “Adam’s sister called and said she is 6 weeks pregnant.” My friend texted me back How do you feel about that because it’s kind of hard for me to hear. I love that my friend can be so validating. I told her, that for me, it wasn’t about wanting the baby (like my friend does) but that of what it meant about their marriage. My best friend is so supportive, it’s really so nice. She knows that Adam and I are struggling (I called her the same day after my coworker had had come to talk to me).
I did assure my friend, that for some reason, strange or not, I don’t feel angry/envy when it’s someone I feel 100% total love for. Like, if my best friend were to get pregnant right now, I would feel SO genuinely happy. When my brother and his wife got pregnant with their third, I felt ecstatic for them. So, at least that’s good. It’s not every person on the planet having a baby that makes me want to barf!
I had to laugh though because when Adam’s sister called me to tell me she was pregnant the first thing on my mind was “I guess no more botox for you.” She had told me that as soon as she stopped breastfeeding her son, she was excited because she could get a refill on her botox. (She just turned 30). And hey, I thought I was progressive by just covering up the 20% gray hair I have on my head! Hah.
I think though, gratitude is important. Constant gratitude for what I do have. Remembering others less fortunate. I see them every day. We’re doing a study right now at my work helping people with post traumatic stress disorder and addiction. It’s pretty hard to hear their stories. I have a client right now, middle aged man, who was on his way to a family reunion a few years back. His wife and his infant daughter, were driving in the car in front of him. They were going over a bridge. Out of nowhere, a drunk driver slams right into his wife’s car and completely obliterates it. He tells me how he goes up to the car and sees body parts of his wife and he’s picking them up like he’s going to put his wife back together. He sees the car seat but it’s empty, no baby. They both died. After that, his life was practically over. I can’t even fathom something so horrible. And with this PTSD study, honestly, I hear WORSE things, if you can even imagine that. So, each day, I try to remember how completely grateful I am for every single thing I have.
I purchased a roasted chicken from the store the other day. As I was cutting it up I was saying in my mind, thank you chicken. Thank you for living and then being sacrificed so that I can eat and my daughter can eat. Thank you for this food. Thank you for how it’s so easy for me to just have this chicken and not worry about what I’m going to eat. I feel SO fortunate. Thank you for my warm house and my warm clothes. Thank you for my loving family. Thank you for the safety and health I enjoy.
So, today I remember all the things I have. All the things I am. That life is precious. It’s okay to feel upset, but I do have SO ridiculously much to be grateful for.