I don’t have a lot of time to write at the moment, but I can tell you that I want to write about what it’s like to see trans people in the media. I am a person that is 100% supportive of transgender rights and I want to be all YEAH YOU GO BRUCE JENNER! And “liking” things on facebook, and reading articles and sharing them and all that jazz.
But it is so different. I don’t know how to explain it. Like, because the issue is so fear ridden and personal for me, I can’t “like” articles about Bruce on facebook. I can’t be all gung-ho supportive. I can’t even watch his interview with Dianne Sawyer. It’s like this bizarre conflict in me. The liberal supportive person in me is for all that, but when I see all the media about what is going on, it stirs up so much insecurity in me and makes me want to vomit.
It brings me back to my high school years. When I was 15, I found a video of my dad’s secretary performing oral sex on my dad. I destroyed the tape and and kept it a secret, except from my friends. I began to unravel and became horribly depressed and suicidal. I felt like if I shared the secret, my parents would divorce. If I kept the secret, I might explode. My parents were already arguing and threatening divorce at times. My mother didn’t know about my father’s affair. But, what really made the whole thing a million times worse, was that at this exact same time, the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky drama was unfolding in the media. My dad would argue for Bill’s case and my mom would argue for Hillary’s. They’d even ask me, I remember they said something in the car about it and I said, WHAT ABOUT CHELSEA! Does anyone even care about her???
It’s a common scenario for transwomen who have been repressed much of their life to start developing the intense desire to transition in their 40’s. Part of me kind of knows that this is my future. I mean, of course I don’t know 100% but it’s what my gut tells me. When I see Bruce, I see my husband. I see my future. I see my fears realized. It’s just so different with it’s so personal.