I keep seeing the beautiful Caitlyn Jenner on my facebook feed. It makes me feel like scum. The liberal inside of me says, GO GET E’M LADY! And the fearful wife inside of me says, oh my god. If I wasn’t dealing with this situation personally, I’d be that person sharing all the posts about her and commenting and revolting against all the hatred for her. Instead, I quietly hide and ignore. Because my deep seated belief, is that one day, my husband will want to be a woman 100% and will go for it. I just don’t think right now he sees how that is feasible, so he continues on and tries to make the best of life. He’s gotten really into biking. He’s an extreme hobbyist. Actually, he’s kind of an extreme everything. With whatever he gets in to, he goes all the way. Case in point:
- Painting. He got interested in painting and he probably has 8 gazillion paints and speciality paint brushes, and canvases. He doesn’t really paint much anymore.
- Essential oils. He got really into essential oils and making his own body lotions and hair products and face products. His entire office bathroom is FILLED with bottles of essential oils and other mediums to making these products. He doesn’t really do much with them anymore.
- Guitars. He loves guitars and music. He does still play guitar on a regular basis, but for awhile he was building his own and refinishing his own. It was crazy. He has I think 6 guitars hanging on his office wall.
- Running. He’s run like 3-6 miles almost every single day for the past couple of years. He has like an obsession with specialty running shoes.
- Biking. He JUST got into biking. Truly this has exploded within the last couple of months. He now owns 3 bikes (one was his step grandfather’s that he just inherited). He has a trillion bike contraptions and God knows what. He is now dressing in “road bike gear.” You know, skin tight clothes, biker shorts, helmet, everything. I am like, how do you go from not being into biking to like biking obsessed?
He is an extreme hobbyist. So, sometimes I wonder if that’s how things were with the transgender stuff. I don’t know. I mean, when he came out to me, he went again from 0 to 60. It was like, all happened so fast. From daily dressing to buying so much stuff (bags and bags of clothes and make up and wigs and hair dying/wig dying supplies and I can’t even begin to tell you…. to I think I want to be a woman full time It was like, HOW do you go so fast into all this crap?! And maybe that’s different. Maybe it’s different because it’s always been with him. Maybe all these other hobbies are just distractions from this one thing. I don’t know but I can tell you this, OUR HOUSE IS FULL OF CRAP. He did just spend the last month organizing the garage and installing all kinds of organization systems, which is great, but still. It’s too much sometimes.
I know that Adam collects all the hair that sheds from his head. His hair is so long now. It goes halfway down his back. I think he’s collecting all the hair so that if he wanted to have it made into this own wig or hair piece one day he could. I don’t think it’s for hair transplants. I think you need live hair for that. I don’t know.
I know he loves our daughter. I know he seems happiest when playing with her. She just turned 2. She’s amazing. She’s thriving. She’s the best kid ever. (and she’s sleeping. She’s finally sleeping for real.)
In other news, I’m feeling rather depressed. I’ve been at my job for 5 years and I am so burned out. I know I’ve talked about this before. I just don’t know what the next step is for me. Part of me just wants out. OUT OUT OUT! I just want to run away as fast as possible. To make matters worse, my coworker who happens to be one of my very best friends, finally found a new job. It’s not nevessarily a job I’d like to do (utilization review specialist), but it all happened so fast and she literally had to give 2 weeks notice. The doctors at our clinic (it’s an academic setting with research studies so we are kind of screwed when someone leaves). Anyway it’s awesome she is leaving, it’s sort of like hope that I will be able to escape sometime. But if I left right now, they’d be royally fucked. Seriously. And the passiave aggressive side of me would love to do that to them but then the human side of me is like, no. Of course if the right job came around I would take it. But am I so burned out that I am not really sure if I can even move into another counseling position right now.
And it’s so much more complicated than that (isn’t it always?) But the biggest point I’m trying to make is, I am so sad that my friend is leaving and am not sure how I will continue on at work when I’m so burned out. My other friend is still here, but it’s a little different with her.
I’m rambling now. I’m just in a confused, over tired, not enough hours in a day, wish I had freedom sort of funk.