I know why people cry….

You know on television, whenever someone wins money or gets some gift of money or something paid for, they cry? I mean, I understand the concept of crying from happiness and all that, but I just never personally experienced crying from money. I’ve been extremely fortunate and grateful my whole life to be well taken care of and have parents who have always been able to support me.

As you might have read in my last post, my husband was laid off from his job and is now on the hunt for a new one. JUST before this happened, I was going to drop my hours at work to 30 hours a week because that seemed reasonable for us. But then this happened and I was like, nope. Even though I make a whole lot less than my husband, a 25% reduction in salary during times of uncertainty was just not going to go well.

I was pretty upset because I have been wanting to a) have more time in general and b) start pursuing either private practice or hobby photography. Speaking of hobby photography, I actually launched a maternity and children’s photos photography business. I have been taking lots of pictures from friends and family. Anyway, one of the faculty members at work found out about it, saw my website, and booked a session. And, then I advertised on a local parenting facebook group for my neighborhood that I was trying to build up my portfolio and would be doing mini sessions (25 minutes long, they get 5-7 images) for $50, over 30 people responded interested. I was blow away by the amount of interest, but how could I find the time??????

Well yesterday afternoon I call my mother to tell her how excited I am about all the potential success. She then tells me that my aunt has finally distributed all the money from my grandparent’s inheritance (my grandma died last year). My mom wants to give me and my siblings each a chunk of change from the inheritance to do something meaningful with, like for me, she wanted me to use it to start up my business and go part time at work.

I teared up you guys. When I got off the phone I started crying. I felt so grateful. Blown away. Unexpected. Like I had been saved. Like a hand was pulling me out of the water and showing me a path. A clearing through a tangled messy forest. I wanted to scream with happiness. Like this was just the break I needed, happening at just the right time.

My mom of course wants me to pursue private practice, which I want too. But that is much more complicated than photography. So I think I will get past the holidays with the photography (so many sessions booked!) and then things will probably slow down in the New Year and I will start figuring out private practice stuff.

Today I am going into my boss’s office and telling her that I am cutting down to 30 hours a week!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course… there will be a lot of red tape involved so not sure how fast they will make that happen. Please please please make it be fast.

I’m exhausted. My kid hasn’t been sleeping. She’s been up til 1am unable to fall asleep herself for like the past week. Some nights have been a little better than others. I wonder if teeth are bothering her. But last night she pretty much didn’t fall asleep until 1am. She told me at 11:30 that her tummy hurt. I had my husband go out and buy gas drops. I have no idea what’s going on, this is unusual. I also wonder if 2 year molars are on the horizon.

In other news, we’re headed to NYC tomorrow for 2 nights. I was joking about how all I wanted to do was sleep in my hotel there (we have a wedding to go to), but now I think I’m serious about that.

Well, thinking about all of you and wishing each of you could get your own “big break” in whatever terms that means for you.

What’s next?

Yesterday Adam and I “celebrated” 10 years since we first met. We met on Labor Day 10 years ago. We sent Lamb to spend some time with her grandma and Adam and I went out to eat. It wasn’t super celebratory, but we did take a slow motion video of me drinking a beer. Does that count? A really good beer, a milk stout.

We’re a little stressed right now. Early last week Adam’s work told him they were giving him two weeks notice until he is no longer a full time employee. His old boss left (guy who started the company) a few weeks back, and took one of their big contracts with him, so the company doesn’t have enough money to keep Adam. They are giving him 5 weeks severance pay and all his unused vacation. Adam said he was wanting a new job anyway but this definitely puts on the pressure.

Adam is in the tech world and so should have a good chance of getting a job, it’s just a matter of getting the right job, and one where he can primarily work from home and work nights. That is slightly more challenging.

There is another city about 3 hours away that has a huge booming tech business so he could easily get a job there. But that would mean moving our entire family. The part of me that “loves drastic change” (for some reason I like clean slates sometimes) is enticed by that. But I don’t think Adam wants to sell the house and have me find a new job and of course we have THREE sets of grandparents here that babysit at the drop of a dime… that would be really really hard to give up. Especially if we ever wanted a second child.

I finally brought up that topic yesterday, the one of second children. Adam doesn’t like thinking about the future. I sadly spend a lot of my time thinking about the future. Anyway, I suggested that maybe come the new year we start trying for a second kid. Surprisingly, he agreed or at least didn’t fight the idea.

I want Lamb to have a sibling, if possible. But I am also scared of losing my own identity. Right now I can still manage to squeeze in some time to go to the gym. In fact, I just joined jazzercise. Yes you heard that right, jazzercise. I also want to do some part time photography work and other hobbies. I still can hold on to part of me. With two kids, I’m not sure how possible that is. That’s why three kids is totally out of the question, for a lot of reasons. I would have no identity anymore. None. Not until they go to college. That’s a long time to wait.

Last night I was up peeing in the middle of the night and my stomach was hurting (too much greasy food) and I just suddenly was like.. OH GOD, what if I was pregnant. It was that uneasy tummy that reminded me and the getting up to pee and then all the memories of newborns and my life in the midst of Hell came flooding back and I was just like, oh godddddddddddddd I don’t know if I can do it again!!!!!!!! Of course, I know it’s a total luxury to even have that as an option (to have a second kid). But anyway, life, it’s complicated.

Just a rambling rant about life and the hardships it brings

I am having one of those like mental anxiety moments where normally I would have walked 2 doors down the hallway to my colleague’s office and just sat and drank coffee with her and spilled out all the thoughts in my head and plans and bounced ideas off her. But, she left in June and moved to a new job and she’s not here and my other coworker is busy so I am just sitting here stewing in my thoughts about the future and career plans and goals and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And now one of my clients (who participates in one of our research treatment studies) asked to check in with me, and he tells me like news that just makes me so sad, and frustrated. He’s this military veteran who is pretty damn awesome. He has an addiction but he is extremely motivated and has really been doing very well. His life has been very hard and he’s been dealing with homelessness for the past 15 years. Anyway, recently things had been looking up for him. He finally, FINALLY got an apartment through this charity organization that helped subsidize his rent for the first few months. He was barely making ends meet, often having no food and no place to get food. He finally got a full time night job working at a warehouse. He worked there for 10 days and then yesterday they tell him, they sold the business (long story) and they have no work for him. And it’s the first of the month, and rent is due and he has no food. And this is the first apartment in this city he’s had so it’s very important for his rental history to not get evicted. He doesn’t want to be back on the streets. One of the charities just got him a bed and bedframe and he has a couple chairs and a small table (no other furniture). He doesn’t want all that to go to waste. He is, as you can imagine, freaking out with no way to pay is $500 rent.

It was all going to work out and then he loses his job. WHY. Seriously WHY. And, what I think makes me like feel frustrated is I know I could connect with people to get some of the money for him. I really do. I’m a member of this huge facebook community in our city with like 10,000 members (some of them very very wealthy) and some of them really have hearts of gold and people donate like crazy to things and help out. I just want to start up a gofundme page for him and like, boom, he would be saved you know? Like his whole life changed. But I can’t. Because a)I’m his counselor and b) I work for a state agency and c) this is a research study so I can’t compromise all the ethical standards of that.

I just want to cry sometimes. I think, GOD there are people out there who would so want to help you if they met you and knew your story and could see how motivated you are and how hard your life has been, but I can’t. And I just don’t know how to help him. I of course printed out all the resources I could find online about local rent assistance places and all, but *sigh* my heart feels heavy

And here I was worrying about all my future career plans, which, by the way, entails trying to do private practice counseling part time. But now I’m flipping out in my head thinking it’s a dying industry, and it’s all going to be managed care and I don’t want to take insurance but no one will pay me out of pocket and soon there will be behavioral health places opening up like Massage Envy or the Joint and ……… !!!!! I will have no job or will go bankrupt and… all I really want to do is help people and counsel people in an awesome way and have a flexible schedule. I’m not asking to make 6 figures. Really I’m not. I just want to get by.

Sorry for the rant. Like I said, I have no one to talk to about this right now and sometimes if I don’t get the words out it makes me want to explode.