Just a rambling rant about life and the hardships it brings

I am having one of those like mental anxiety moments where normally I would have walked 2 doors down the hallway to my colleague’s office and just sat and drank coffee with her and spilled out all the thoughts in my head and plans and bounced ideas off her. But, she left in June and moved to a new job and she’s not here and my other coworker is busy so I am just sitting here stewing in my thoughts about the future and career plans and goals and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And now one of my clients (who participates in one of our research treatment studies) asked to check in with me, and he tells me like news that just makes me so sad, and frustrated. He’s this military veteran who is pretty damn awesome. He has an addiction but he is extremely motivated and has really been doing very well. His life has been very hard and he’s been dealing with homelessness for the past 15 years. Anyway, recently things had been looking up for him. He finally, FINALLY got an apartment through this charity organization that helped subsidize his rent for the first few months. He was barely making ends meet, often having no food and no place to get food. He finally got a full time night job working at a warehouse. He worked there for 10 days and then yesterday they tell him, they sold the business (long story) and they have no work for him. And it’s the first of the month, and rent is due and he has no food. And this is the first apartment in this city he’s had so it’s very important for his rental history to not get evicted. He doesn’t want to be back on the streets. One of the charities just got him a bed and bedframe and he has a couple chairs and a small table (no other furniture). He doesn’t want all that to go to waste. He is, as you can imagine, freaking out with no way to pay is $500 rent.

It was all going to work out and then he loses his job. WHY. Seriously WHY. And, what I think makes me like feel frustrated is I know I could connect with people to get some of the money for him. I really do. I’m a member of this huge facebook community in our city with like 10,000 members (some of them very very wealthy) and some of them really have hearts of gold and people donate like crazy to things and help out. I just want to start up a gofundme page for him and like, boom, he would be saved you know? Like his whole life changed. But I can’t. Because a)I’m his counselor and b) I work for a state agency and c) this is a research study so I can’t compromise all the ethical standards of that.

I just want to cry sometimes. I think, GOD there are people out there who would so want to help you if they met you and knew your story and could see how motivated you are and how hard your life has been, but I can’t. And I just don’t know how to help him. I of course printed out all the resources I could find online about local rent assistance places and all, but *sigh* my heart feels heavy

And here I was worrying about all my future career plans, which, by the way, entails trying to do private practice counseling part time. But now I’m flipping out in my head thinking it’s a dying industry, and it’s all going to be managed care and I don’t want to take insurance but no one will pay me out of pocket and soon there will be behavioral health places opening up like Massage Envy or the Joint and ……… !!!!! I will have no job or will go bankrupt and… all I really want to do is help people and counsel people in an awesome way and have a flexible schedule. I’m not asking to make 6 figures. Really I’m not. I just want to get by.

Sorry for the rant. Like I said, I have no one to talk to about this right now and sometimes if I don’t get the words out it makes me want to explode.

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