Panic

So, yesterday was going pretty normally. Lamb was upset when I left to go to my jazzercise class in the evening because she had apparently wanted to watch youtube kids on mommy’s phone, not on the tablet. I left thinking she would calm down quick enough once daddy started playing with her. I went to jazzercise class. I checked my phone when I was through and got in the car. I decided to stop at the grocery store to get Lamb some of her favorite pasta since that is what she had requested the night before and we were out of it. I text Adam when I get to the store saying I’m going to stop in real quick. I don’t look  back at my phone for another 10 minutes when I am exiting the store. The message from Adam reads: “Fuck.” and then “Come home now.”

That’s rather unusual to receive a message like that. I’m caught off guard and kind of pissed really thinking, seriously? You are going to text me that? I respond back, “what’s wrong” and then I get the following reply. “She won’t stop crying.” “I hurt my wrist.” “Panic Attack.”

So 10 minutes later I am home. I run inside the house, up the stairs. I vaguely hear crying. I see a large hole int he wall and sheet-rock on the floor. My pace increases and I run up the stairs to Lamb’s room. Lamb is on her bed, unharmed, but lying on her back crying.  Adam is on the floor next to her bed, lying on his stomach, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

I scoop Lamb up immediately and she clings to me for dear life. I calm her down and she sniffles and breathes hard against my chest. Adam continues to cry and shake on the floor. I turn the t.v. on to calm Lamb down and allow us to all just sit quietly for awhile until Adam can calm down.

Once Adam is calm enough to talk, he tells me what happened. When I left for the gym, it took Lamb 15 minutes to calm down from being upset about not watching my phone. He had to go get some m&m toy and candies for her to play with for her to calm down. I guess they sat on the couch and watched a show or something. Somehow, she fell asleep (unusual, but maybe she didn’t nap well at school?). She slept for maybe 20 minutes, and had a pee accident on the couch when she woke up. She gets really upset if she pees her pants when she naps. She started crying and he couldn’t calm her down. He picked her up to carry her upstairs but she was wriggling around, and he reinjured his wrist. His wrist has been injured in some way shape or form for awhile now (he has yet to see a doctor of course), and this just made it really bad. He said it was throbbing with intense pain. He brings her upstairs, and she’s just screaming and sobbing “mommy mommy mommy!” and she won’t calm down. This apparently goes on for half an hour, and when I text him that I’m going into the store, he goes into a complete panic attack. He goes downstairs to get her some milk to try to calm her down and in the midst of his panic attack he freaks out so much that he kicks a hole in the wall. Yes he kicked a hole in the wall. First time for that to ever happen in our house. So I guess he eventually gives up and just lies on the floor next to Lamb, and they both just sob until I get home.

It was such a sad sight. I really don’t like it when he has panic attacks. He hasn’t had one (that I know of) in a few years. It really brings me back to when we were going through all of our stuff, and his transgender things, and he would sob and cry like that and I just hated that sound. I really hate the sound of him crying, for a lot of reasons.

So that was my night. WHY he didn’t call me 4 times while I was in class to let me know what was going on, I have no idea. Why he didn’t text. I have no idea. Why he didn’t try to call his mom, I have no idea. I’ll be asking those questions tonight. Until then, he’s patching up the hole.

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Lamb is ok, but she wanted me to sleep in her room with her. So I did, but she just couldn’t fall asleep. I sat in there for 2 hours with her in the dimly lit room. She only finally fell asleep at 11pm. Yes, 11pm. She woke when my alarm went off at 7:30 today. Of course I was an hour late for work.

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This early?

So, I don’t really have too many people to talk in detail to about my cycle so I’m blogging about it. Not too many people in real life really want to hear about egg white cervical mucus. lol. But it’s all big news to me since it’s the first cycle off the Mirena. It’s cycle day 14 right now and I am having egg white CM like crazy. I am just kind of stunned, wondering, is this like, ovulation cm? on day 14?? seriously? I usually ovulate on day 30 so this is like, insane if it is what it really is. But I have no real way of knowing until I get my period since I’m not testing and stuff. And, the part of me that enjoys a “goal” is kind of sad that I’m waiting until April to start trying to  conceive. There’s something crazy that gets activated in my head about GREEN LIGHT THIS COULD GET YOU PREGNANT GO GO GO but I have to be like NO NO NO. No babies can be born until at least next December. And truly, it’d be best to wait until January. So, now I just monitor and observe. Only 4 more months…. seems like eternity but I know it’s not.

Of course whenever Lamb is trouble to get to sleep or wakes up in the night, or wakes up super early, or is TOUCHING ME CONSTANTLY and I am like I JUST NEED TO NOT BE TOUCHED FOR LIKE TWO HOURS I think to myself, what the hell is your problem?! Why would you ever want a second kid? You really want to make your life that much more difficult?!? And have to deal with life with a toddler for 9 months WITHOUT WINE?! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just don’t know how that would be possible. Oh well. We’ll see how long this cycle lasts. Stay tuned. I know you’re really on a cliff hanger wanting to know when I’ll get my period. This is all so very important to you.

Thanks for letting me blab, blog about it.

Fashion Friday

I’ve never been a particularly stylish person. Not like non stylish but in general trends are something I’ve never cared about. I’m usually very late to them. Very very very late. I’ve been wearing boot cut pants for years and years and years. I know that straight leg and tighter pants have been in for a long time now, but I’ve always resisted because I am bigger around the waist and bust (proportionally anyway) and so I always thought boot cut pants balanced me out better.

Well now that we’re going to Disneyworld I wanted to ATTEMPT to look somewhat stylish while still wearing comfortable shoes. The only sneakers I have are actual athletic shoes, so I decided to look into like the Vans/Keds kind of style. After looking into those I realize that you need pants that show off your shoes…. NOT boot cut pants.

So I went on a mission yesterday. I went to JC Penny because they have good deals and I wouldn’t feel so bad about purchasing some things. I also knew they made comfortable jeans (Lee brand) because I recently had bought some boot cut style there.

Usually when I see the words “skinny” on a pant, I run for the hills. RUN RUN RUN. But I said, let’s give them a go. I bought “Lee Comfort Style skinny jeans.” They are like, all spandex practically. SO comfortable. I then bought some PULL ON maroon pants. Yes pull on pants. But they are tight. Super tight. Not my style. But with some flowy shirts, I was rock’n it. I was quite happy. Now I feel good. I like trying something new and not looking like a total mom all the time. I’m excited to look cute but also be comfortable.

Sometimes I just want to be the mom who just looks generally nice most of the time. Even when at home (errr… that’s probably never going to happen). My mom was that way though. Like she never doesn’t have on decent looking clothes. I’ve NEVER seen her in a “slop” outfit or anything. She is always put together. This is not to say that I think people should be like that. I think you should wear what you want and wear what makes you feel good.

So anyway, I bought the jeans and bought the tight maroon/plumb pants and a few blouses and I ordered some navy keds with tiny whtie polkadots off amazon for like $18. So when I got home and expressed to my spouse that I was finally joining in on the trend of tight pants, he said yeah just in time for boot cut to come back into style. hahahahah

In other news, I’ve been feeling very loving toward my husband recently. I don’t know what that’s about (maybe all the sleep I am getting). Not that I wasn’t loving toward him, but I just feel particularly affectionate toward him and try to constantly express that to him both verbally and physically. Maybe when I feel better about myself too I also feel better towards other people.

Anyway, thanks for letting me flaunt =P

Let if Flow let it Flow Let it Flow

So the first three days were crazy heavy and then all of the sudden nothing. Not even spotting. For 3 days, totally dry creak. And then tonight, boom the red river starts to flow again. Weird. Oh well. I am sure it’s just all the insanity of my body adjusting.

My daughter is so clingy. SO CLINGY. I mean, she always has been. It’s not like this is anything new, it just changes in the way in which she is clingy. I feel desperate for a one story house because everywhere I go, she has to go. And if I run downstairs (we live in a 3 story townhouse) to grab the thing that she’s begging for (a certain toy, or her lovie, or anything), she FLIPS the hell out and is like on the floor in a full blown tantrum panic if I don’t wait and allow her to come with me. She requests multiple times a day to “cuddle” on the couch with me, which is great and all, I like to cuddle but she is never still and she’s climbing all over me like a mad woman, and  I can’t get ANYTHING done. Nothing. I feel chained to the couch. Like I had 4 loads of laundry to do and it was just like working in an insane asylum today. My husband doesn’t have any of these problems. It’s not that she isn’t totally obsessed with him, she is. She loves him to pieces. He plays with her and she throws parties for him whenever he gets home. But he’s not mom. So he doesn’t ever deal with the clinginess and the inability to do one freaking thing.

And I guess my frustration then comes less from my daughter, but more about my spouse who has HOURS AND HOURS alone at home without my daughter yet recently more and more he seems to do nothing around the house. Like ,just flipping vacuum already?! And the thing is, the mess drives him crazy. It’s not like he is a messy person. He’s way cleaner than I am. He used to do all the cleaning (almost) before we had kids. But I feel like he just gave up. But I physically cannot get anything done, whereas he has the freedom to do so. So I get so annoyed when I come home after being out with Lamb for hours at a time and he’s just been home all by himself and he’s working on his freaking bike. The only break I ever get away from her is when she goes to sleep (or I am away at work) and I am just so tired I can’t even do anything.

I guess we need to have a chat.

Will my daughter ever be happy just playing by herself in the living room? And I don’t mean by herself, I just mean, letting me put the dishes away while I talk to her but just am not physically TOUCHING her like she would prefer to be 24/7.

I always remind myself one day she will want nothing to do with me. I know. I know I know I know I know. I will look back on these posts and sob and say YOU IDIOT. I do try to take advantage of the cuddles and snuggles and being needed. I do. I just can’t help but feel the weight of everything else pulling at me sometimes. Oh motherhood.