So, yesterday was going pretty normally. Lamb was upset when I left to go to my jazzercise class in the evening because she had apparently wanted to watch youtube kids on mommy’s phone, not on the tablet. I left thinking she would calm down quick enough once daddy started playing with her. I went to jazzercise class. I checked my phone when I was through and got in the car. I decided to stop at the grocery store to get Lamb some of her favorite pasta since that is what she had requested the night before and we were out of it. I text Adam when I get to the store saying I’m going to stop in real quick. I don’t look  back at my phone for another 10 minutes when I am exiting the store. The message from Adam reads: “Fuck.” and then “Come home now.”

That’s rather unusual to receive a message like that. I’m caught off guard and kind of pissed really thinking, seriously? You are going to text me that? I respond back, “what’s wrong” and then I get the following reply. “She won’t stop crying.” “I hurt my wrist.” “Panic Attack.”

So 10 minutes later I am home. I run inside the house, up the stairs. I vaguely hear crying. I see a large hole int he wall and sheet-rock on the floor. My pace increases and I run up the stairs to Lamb’s room. Lamb is on her bed, unharmed, but lying on her back crying.  Adam is on the floor next to her bed, lying on his stomach, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

I scoop Lamb up immediately and she clings to me for dear life. I calm her down and she sniffles and breathes hard against my chest. Adam continues to cry and shake on the floor. I turn the t.v. on to calm Lamb down and allow us to all just sit quietly for awhile until Adam can calm down.

Once Adam is calm enough to talk, he tells me what happened. When I left for the gym, it took Lamb 15 minutes to calm down from being upset about not watching my phone. He had to go get some m&m toy and candies for her to play with for her to calm down. I guess they sat on the couch and watched a show or something. Somehow, she fell asleep (unusual, but maybe she didn’t nap well at school?). She slept for maybe 20 minutes, and had a pee accident on the couch when she woke up. She gets really upset if she pees her pants when she naps. She started crying and he couldn’t calm her down. He picked her up to carry her upstairs but she was wriggling around, and he reinjured his wrist. His wrist has been injured in some way shape or form for awhile now (he has yet to see a doctor of course), and this just made it really bad. He said it was throbbing with intense pain. He brings her upstairs, and she’s just screaming and sobbing “mommy mommy mommy!” and she won’t calm down. This apparently goes on for half an hour, and when I text him that I’m going into the store, he goes into a complete panic attack. He goes downstairs to get her some milk to try to calm her down and in the midst of his panic attack he freaks out so much that he kicks a hole in the wall. Yes he kicked a hole in the wall. First time for that to ever happen in our house. So I guess he eventually gives up and just lies on the floor next to Lamb, and they both just sob until I get home.

It was such a sad sight. I really don’t like it when he has panic attacks. He hasn’t had one (that I know of) in a few years. It really brings me back to when we were going through all of our stuff, and his transgender things, and he would sob and cry like that and I just hated that sound. I really hate the sound of him crying, for a lot of reasons.

So that was my night. WHY he didn’t call me 4 times while I was in class to let me know what was going on, I have no idea. Why he didn’t text. I have no idea. Why he didn’t try to call his mom, I have no idea. I’ll be asking those questions tonight. Until then, he’s patching up the hole.


Lamb is ok, but she wanted me to sleep in her room with her. So I did, but she just couldn’t fall asleep. I sat in there for 2 hours with her in the dimly lit room. She only finally fell asleep at 11pm. Yes, 11pm. She woke when my alarm went off at 7:30 today. Of course I was an hour late for work.


One thought on “Panic

  1. Oh no 😦 that sounds like such a stressful moment for him (and Lamb obviously) and then for you to come home to.

    Maybe come up with a procedure for when he starts to feel flooded, before he kicks the wall. When I had PPD last time I had to come up with a list of coping skills … Call my husband, knock on a neighbor’s door in the building, go to the basement, etc. I couldn’t come up with what to do in the moment, so I often ended up on the floor crying, but having an internal list of things to do meant I could just try one after the other.

    Also I hope you are taking care of yourself right now. I imagine if it was me walking in on that, not even knowing the full background of your relationship, I would feel unsafe leaving Lamb with him even though she was unharmed and it was all right in the end. Even if she is definitely safe with him, this kind of thing would leave me shaken. When I had PPD I was always worried my husband felt that way about leaving the kids with me, even though they were always unharmed. Remember that even though he kicked the wall, he made sure Lamb was safe, he had her in her bed, he was at least in control enough to make sure she was safe before he was on the floor himself. That is a good thing.

    I’m sorry you are dealing with this right now, it really feels like you are taking care of everyone …

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