And I’m out

I’m sitting here at my desk at work crying. I don’t know how people do this for years. Right now I just want to wallow in my own sadness. Trying to practice the self compassion skills I have learned.

I’m so sorry. This hurts. 

And just be with myself in this hurt and have compassion for myself in this disappointment.

My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts. One. Having sex is so freaking difficult. I’m so tired. My husband is so tired. It’s not like we’re usually looking forward to it. That might sound messed up to some of you, but it’s just where we are at right now.

I’m terrified that all of my husband’s bike riding may be ruining his sperm and I want to do a sperm analysis on him, just so I can KNOW that nothing is wrong before we go on like this for 8 months. I am finding myself angry at him right now, just noticing that anger. Noticing that I want something, someone to blame.

I also know that it sometimes just takes awhile. I know this. This is frequently a universal experience for many.

And I’m also just disappointed.

So now, I go pick out a bridesmaids dress for this wedding in October. I’ve been gaining so much weight recently. By so much I mean like 7-10lbs, but it’s enough to make my clothes uncomfortable. I just can’t seem to stop eating. Maybe I will try to get on a health kick now. Maybe I will try to be my healthiest self. Now I’m noticing my desire to control My desire to take back the reigns in some area of my life that I can exude control over something. Noticing my mind trying to find a way to fix things.

When mostly I am just sad.

The great thing about the south is they sell some great tequila and I think I’ll be making a margarita or two tonight. I know that’s an avoidance mechanism, to avoid the pain. I see it. I’m aware. It was the plan all along though. I promise to allow myself to sit with my sadness. I am right now anyway.

I guess my luteal phase was long though. Below are my last three charts. Ugh. I hate how ovulation is so freaking shifty. It’s exhausting. Already I just want to give up.

charts.png

 

 

 

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A Moment of Clarity

I’m living with a real threenager. I used to say that with an eye roll. Like, can you believe this madness? Lamb, you is acting like a crazy person.
But we’ve been having some desperate moments together. Some all out insane tantrums resulting from disappointment and anger. I mean, they are bad.  You wouldn’t believe it if you saw it. Yesterday halfway through the car ride while we were stopped to go into McDonalds to use the bathroom (long story of why she was angry) she threw everything she could get her hands on in the car and screamed and cried and when I tried to talk to her she yelled at the loudest highest pitch until her face was red “DON’T TALK TO MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I realized in that moment, I needed some help. I got some trusted advice and turned to the work of Janet Lansbury. I immediately started listening to some of her podcasts, and I explored the one “The Upside of a Tantrum.” It has changed me.

Lamb, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been handling your tantrums just okay, but not the best way that I could. I always stay calm and collected. I never yell at you or punish you. However, I do try to fix it frequently. Or try to reason with you in the beginning. I try to make it better, or explain it out of the tantrum, or do things to try to shorten the tantrum. Or sometimes I just leave you alone to hash it out and walk away. I realize now, that’s not what you need. And I want to let you know that I will be better. I will be a rock. I will not leave the room and ignore your feelings. I will not play on my phone until your screaming passes. I will not try to calm you down or make it better. I will be present with you, accept your emotions, and ride the wave with you until you come down. I want you to know it is safe to feel and emotions are nothing to fear. I do not fear yours. As Janet said, you can go to these dark places in yourself and know that it is safe to go there
I know now that you ARE a threenager. Just as a teenager is in adolescence, brain changing, hormones raging, figuring the world out. You are too. You are in the midst of so much growth and change. You are healthy and happy and all your emotions are normal and good.
I have so much to say about this, and I plan on blogging about this on my professional counseling website. Because as I was listening to this podcast, I began to cry and cry in the car. I began to put all the pieces together. I began to think about all my clients and how they avoid their feelings. They avoid their uncomfortable, scary, terrifying feelings at such a huge cost. If they had only been taught that their feelings are safe, allowed, and healthy, they may not have ended up in the predicament that they are in. We in America are all about being happy and feeling “good” things. That’s not how we work though. Lamb, I vow to do you  better.

For anyone interested in learning more about this eye opening podcast, I have transcribed it below. Yes, it was that important to me. Thank you Janet Lansbury and your “Unruffled” podcast series. I am looking forward to more growth on my part.

——–
I received a facebook question. “My daughter is 19 months and I feel that I am confident when it comes to setting limits and boundaries. What I don’t feel confident with, is when to acknowledge feelings so she feels heard.
For example, me asking her to give me something I don’t want her to have. She may throw herself on the ground and scream with displeasure and it’s then that I’m not sure what to do. She’s loud so she can’t hear me, although I try to acknowledge feelings at this time I can’t hear myself over her screaming let alone her hearing me. And it appears she doesn’t want to be held. In that moment I feel disconnected with her. I would love some guidance on what to do in those moments, that is when to acknowledge feelings.”
Okay so you asked your child to give you something that you don’t want them to have. “Please give me that, it is unsafe” and she throws herself on the ground and screams with displeasure. So this is a tantrum and it’s very healthy for a toddler to have these. They are not really just about what happens in that moment. That’s important to know. It’s not just about that thing you didn’t want her to have.

It’s the tipping point for her to be able to express some toddler frustration, angst, fear, all these heavy feelings that toddlers walk around with. It’s a rapidly changing time of their life. They are developing so quickly, so they have a lot of intense feelings that we can always trust although it may be hard to.
So this parent has the right attitude in that she wants to acknowledge her and she wants to connect.This is where we have to trust. Often time it’s us the parents that want to connect because we want our child to know we love them and we want to make it all better and we are sorry. We feel disconnected. I believe in this case and others that I see and how I feel with my own children is we’re the ones that want to connect.

The child is saying she doesn’t need to connect. She is saying she needs to express.Sometimes expressing and connecting doesn’t go together in the way we want them to. It doesn’t happen when we’re hugging and all cozy. Sometimes it happens when they are throwing themselves on the floor and screaming.
The best way to connect during that kind of episode is to let the feelings be, to relax your body, to accept where your child is, that she’s doing something healthy and that you’re allowing her to.  So you’re being a great parent in this moment. This isn’t easy stuff to see children go through. This is a prime parenting moment to embrace.

Let her have her feelings, and then trust when she’s done, when she can hear you and I would say “wow you really didn’t like that.” Not, “you’re upset over blablablab” just what we know for sure. Which is that she didn’t like that you wouldn’t let her have that object. “You really wanted that, you didn’t like for me to take that away.” And what that might do, is actually open the door for her to express more.

So if she expresses more after that, if she says “meh I don’t like you!” like an older child might say “you’re a bad mommy” or something like that, at 19 months she’s probably not going to say that but she might try to hit you or push you away. She’s telling you more about how mad she is.

Let her go as long as she needs to go with this and just be patient. Accepting and acknowledging feelings can’t have an ending point. Can’t be “well this is how much I’m comfortable with and now I need to stop you, I need to hug you, I need to calm you down.” That’s not acknowledging feelings. That’s not accepting feelings. It’s got to be all the way. It’s all or nothing for children. So let it be all. Let her go all the way. Trust that it’s all in there and needs to come out.

You haven’t created it by taking that thing away from her. You haven’t done anything wrong, you are doing everything right by letting this happen. It’s so important to keep reminding ourselves of this. Because everything in us is telling us our child is upset and we are terrible parents and our world has come crashing down. Everything is awful. The opposite is true in these moments.

You are being heroic, you are being incredible. You’re connecting with your child in what I think is the most profound way, which is the message that your feelings are all okay with me. ALL. To the end. Okay with me. So don’t worry about the words to say. Especially don’t try to talk to her when she’s screaming. Let your shoulders fall, feel relaxed. Feel like you are I used to imagine having have a shield over me, so that I could be there, I could be present without letting the feelings get in me and get inside of me and make me feel terrible. Imagery may help you. But that’s all we have to do. Let it be.

And as this mother says, it appears that she doesn’t want to be held. Trust that. When you’re angry at somebody you don’t want them to come over and try to hug you out of it. You just want to be angry at them. As parents we get the brunt of it. That’s a compliment. That means we are doing our job. Giving them a relationship that they feel safe in to express these hard feelings. Feel safe to let her go all the way with her feelings.

She says “in that moment, I feel disconnected with her.” Yes you feel disconnected but that’s okay. You don’t have to connect with her in the way that you think, in the way that looks cozy and nice. You actually are connecting with her and that’s the way I would perceive this. You’re connecting with her.

You’re giving her so many messages in these moments, while she’s screaming you are giving her the message I don’t desert you. I don’t try to stop you. I’m not uncomfortable with your feelings, I’m okay with them and therefore you can be okay with them. You can go to these dark places in yourself. These are safe places for you to go. Do you know how powerful that is? Do you know how many of us didn’t get that message and how important it is?

You know it’s easy to be happy when things are always going well, but to be able to be ok and to know we are going to be okay when things aren’t going well, that’s true happiness. That’s knowing that we can handle everything that is thrown our way. That’s the message that we want our children to have. That you can handle these feelings. So those are the important, huge messages that you are giving her. That’s connecting, not the way most people see it but the way that it really is, with toddlers. Letting them feel bad with you, letting them be mad at you.

So that’s what I would do, and then as I said at the end, when she does hear you I would just say something simple “wow, that was really upsetting for you, you did not like that.” That’s it, that’s all we have to do. Like I said these are prime parenting moments and I would embrace them. Every time you do, kudos to you. Sounds like you’re already doing it.

The three year old tantrums

They are absolutely insane. I don’t even know what to do. They usually happen when she is very disappointed about something or thinks that one thing is going to happen and then it doesn’t because she misunderstood. She loses her mind and goes crazy. Today it was in the car right home we stopped to go to the bathroom and she thought we were stopping at a store to get her a dollhouse but we were stopping at McDonald’s to go pee and she went bat shit crazy. Throwing everything in sight. Screaming “DONT TALK TO ME!!” In her loudest most possessed voice. Nothing calms her down. She is just flooded and it’s like you have to ride it out. Now I just ignore until they are over. Usually 10 minutes or so. It’s bad. Real bad.

In other news, another BFN today. It’s 11dpo so again, positive thing is my luteal phase is at least 11 days. Silver lining

I really am fearing AF is due tomorrow. I know afternoon temps don’t mean anything but for the heck of it I took mine a few minutes ago and it was way lower than my temp this morning. So I wonder if that means the process has already started. That we make for a shitty Monday. I am exhausted.

At least right now her dad is playing with her. I need a break from the three year old madness.

10dpo nadda

so the good news is that as of yet AF hasn’t showed up. Which means that my luteal phase is hopefully at least 10 days long.

For the heck of it I tested this morning but got a BFN. Stark white negative. I know a lot of people don’t even test until 14dpo. But anyway I can’t help but feel discouraged. With my first pregnancy I got my BFP on 12dpo and that was the first day I had ever tested.

I have zero symptoms. I just feel like AF is going to show up tomorrow. And that depresses me for a lot of reasons. Mostly first world problem kind of reasons.

But if anything, if she shows up tomorrow then at the very least, my luteal phase is 10 days which is usually sufficient. Also if she shows up tomorrow then I am also out of luck bc I forgot to bring tampons to the country. Don’t want to get more at the store. I already have tons at home.

Superstitious

So here are are, 7DPO. Temps are looking nice and high. The one benefit of having a shorter luteal phase (10/11 days) is that it’s a pretty good sign if my period hasn’t come by 10/11 dpo, vs having to wait the full 14 days. But then there’s that whole egg may not have time to implant thing…. ahhh

Anyway, I was looking back at my charts from when I got pregnant with my daughter. (You know, obsessing over every past chart) and I remembered this moment when I was getting my hair cut and dyed at my hairdressers and I had this sudden wave of bad nausea. I was like “oh my god I think I am about to throw up” and she was like “maybe you are pregnant!” and I was like, umm unlikely. I remember it was really early on. So I looked back on my google calendar, and bam, it was at 7dpo. Funny too because I scheduled an appointment with this same hair dresser a few days ago, for today, at exactly 7dpo! So maybe getting my hair cut at 7dpo is a lucky charm 😉

Also this weekend I’m headed to my parent’s house in the hill country. One of my best friends is going to be up there with me, I’m taking her son’s 1 year old photos. Also my sister and her husband will be up there.

The thing is, we usually BOOZES IT UP there. My dad makes the best damn margaritas ever. And I usually request them. You get there and it is after noon, everyone is  like “hey, do you want a  beer?”

And don’t crucify me, but I’m not opposed to a couple beers during the two week wait, especially in the early part of it before the potentially fertilized egg has had a chance to implant. But Friday will be 9dpo. That’s a different boat. Too early to test. But don’t really want to be drinking margaritas. I may have to get clever and pretend to drink and secretly dump things down the sink. Ugh.

I don’t want to tell my family that I’m trying to get pregnant because a watched pot never boils. In fact, with my first pregnancy I actually didn’t even tell my family until I was 10 weeks, after we had heard the heartbeat on the doppler and the doctor had said the risk of miscarriage had gone down to like 1%. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t have told them if I had had a miscarriage, but I just didn’t want everyone to get there hopes up and be asking me all kinds of questions, getting all excited, only to end in disappointment.

This time will be different though. I think I’ll be bringing some pregnancy tests with me. I’ll test Saturday morning, 10dpo. That’s still quite early but hell, if I get anything, then I can at least say… hey mom… this is what’s going on. I had hoped that if I got pregnant I could wait until the 6 week u/s just to make sure everything was ok. But if this ends up being the scenario so be it.

I know, that’s all a bit obsessive. And may be obsessing for nothing. Because I’m also freaking out because my husband has been heavy into bicyling for the past few months. And I mean HEAVY into it. Like biking 5 days a week, sometimes going on 80 mile rides once a week. And it’s hot as hell. 106 degree heat index. Biking plus that can really kill off all the sperm. So my hopes aren’t high that he even had any viable sperm 😦

Will he quit biking? Probably not. Anyway, fingers crossed. Just less than a week and we will probably know.

I feel the bern

Okay and unfortunately it’s not the bernie sanders kind =P I feel him too but, alas, no avail.

Anyway yesterday evening I started feeling that awful burning sensation and the need to pee, leading to more burning. DAMN IT. I haven’t had a true UTI in like 10 years. I laid down at like 10:45pm to go to sleep…. too damn uncomfortable. Made the decision to get up and go to the pharmacy and get the AZO. I used to keep that on hand but I just haven’t needed it. I took the AZO. Waited 30-45 minutes. It wasn’t helping enough. I was still so uncomfortable. I took an additional half dose. I also took two tylenol. I think I maybe fell asleep for 40 minutes but woke up in pain. Finally at 2am I had to just get in the bath and just lie there for over half an hour. I did eventually fall asleep. Made my way this morning to the urgent care place and THANKFULLY they diagnosed me with a UTI and prescribed me some antibiotics. I’m not an antibiotic lover. I haven’t taken any in years. Can’t actually remember the last time I took any a tall, but this is one of those scenarios where it’s like, I can’t function unless this thing clears up ASAP.

So, hoping these pills do some wonders. As much as I enjoy the tangerine orange pee from the AZO, I’d like to stop taking it.

In other news, I saw my very first private practice client yesterday! Woohoo!!! It went well. It’s a big deal. Kind of like breaking ground on a new house or something. Here’s to a successful future….

For the first time in forever

(that Frozen song is always in my head!!!). Hah. So for the first time in forever, actually ever, I got a positive OPK test. I had used them when I was trying to get pregnant with my first kid but I gave up after like day 25  (I ovulated on day 33 with that cycle anyway). So anyway this time around I bought some internet cheapies and even though days 11-14 this cycle I was egg white mucus overload (and we did the deed) I still had stark white OPKs. I started fearing I was doing them wrong. And everywhere you read it says don’t drink water before, hold your pee for 4 hours…. and I just, I couldn’t do that. I’d always forget. It’s hot as hell and I should be drinking a TON of water. So I just kept failing at it. I was worried I was missing it or getting false negatives. Anyway I have kept on and low and behold, on CD 18 I get my positive (or almost positive) OPK. I couldn’t even believe it. Fortunately, I also had EWCM going on too so it matched up and my temps have been low. Also, we managed to do the deed. Not sure how. We were both exhausted and it took my daughter forever to fall asleep so that was just a thank you universe moment. If my temps haven’t risen by tomorrow I’ll try to beg to get one more try out on Thursday. OPK was really strong positive this morning.

I’m a little worried about my luteal phase as last month it looked like I had maybe a 9 or 10 day luteal phase (according to my temps). I’m considering trying some supplements or maybe even a tad big of progesterone cream after I O for sure to try to extend it. When I got knocked up with my first kid, I had been doing acupuncture and all kinds of herbal supplements. I had also quit coffee and quit alcohol. This time…… I’m drinking coffee every morning and been having a beer several times a week. I’m not as “prepped” for this time around but I try to remind myself that there are people smoking heroine and crack that get knocked up.

Anyway, at least the big success for this month. Fingers crossed.