And I’m out

I’m sitting here at my desk at work crying. I don’t know how people do this for years. Right now I just want to wallow in my own sadness. Trying to practice the self compassion skills I have learned.

I’m so sorry. This hurts. 

And just be with myself in this hurt and have compassion for myself in this disappointment.

My mind is spinning with all kinds of thoughts. One. Having sex is so freaking difficult. I’m so tired. My husband is so tired. It’s not like we’re usually looking forward to it. That might sound messed up to some of you, but it’s just where we are at right now.

I’m terrified that all of my husband’s bike riding may be ruining his sperm and I want to do a sperm analysis on him, just so I can KNOW that nothing is wrong before we go on like this for 8 months. I am finding myself angry at him right now, just noticing that anger. Noticing that I want something, someone to blame.

I also know that it sometimes just takes awhile. I know this. This is frequently a universal experience for many.

And I’m also just disappointed.

So now, I go pick out a bridesmaids dress for this wedding in October. I’ve been gaining so much weight recently. By so much I mean like 7-10lbs, but it’s enough to make my clothes uncomfortable. I just can’t seem to stop eating. Maybe I will try to get on a health kick now. Maybe I will try to be my healthiest self. Now I’m noticing my desire to control My desire to take back the reigns in some area of my life that I can exude control over something. Noticing my mind trying to find a way to fix things.

When mostly I am just sad.

The great thing about the south is they sell some great tequila and I think I’ll be making a margarita or two tonight. I know that’s an avoidance mechanism, to avoid the pain. I see it. I’m aware. It was the plan all along though. I promise to allow myself to sit with my sadness. I am right now anyway.

I guess my luteal phase was long though. Below are my last three charts. Ugh. I hate how ovulation is so freaking shifty. It’s exhausting. Already I just want to give up.

charts.png

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “And I’m out

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