14 weeks going on 30

14 weeks for pregnancy #2 is definitely feeling bigger and further along than the first time. I’m grateful though, very grateful.

My husband has always made it pretty clear that he never really wanted to have a boy for a child. I mean, not in the harsh way that I make it sound but more in a nervous way. But when you get pregnant you don’t have control over that.

We found out this week we’re having a boy.

My daughter was devastated. She desperately wanted a baby sister. She actually cried. I think she believes that this kiddo will come out as a crazy 3 year old super hero loving boy.

My husband was somewhat devastated too. He didn’t say anything but the sadness in his “oh. okay. yeah” sort of voice was evident.

Both reactions brought me to tears. I cried for being sad for them not getting what they wanted. And a part of me too wanted what we know best, girls.

I’ve since (in a matter of a few days) perked up to positive thinking¬†and hopefulness and excitement of the new adventures we will have. And although I have NO idea what this little boy will be about, I feel confident that he’s going to be a pretty sweet kid, because that’s the kind of family we are.

The place that I still cry over is how much I didn’t realize that having a boy would make me realize how much my daughter is growing up. I’d saved all her clothes (well some of them have already gone to her cousins but they were going to return to us if we had a girl). I have a huge box full of shoes still good enough for a second kid to wear. I’ve been crying my eyes out whenever I think about going through her stuff and saying goodbye to it. I mean, we pass it on to her cousins (there are 3 girls younger than her). And I always hoped I’d see those clothes again… that somehow I’d get to kind of re-experience my daughter’s babyhood again. That’s kind of messed up thinking I know. Regardless these are two different people and regardless my child is growing up.

A boy. I know my spouse is anxious about it. For so many reasons. My husband doesn’t like guys generally. He talks about how gross and poorly ¬†behaved so many of them are (I suppose, witnessing their behavior in high school and college). My husband still identifies with being more female. I know he worries about that, when raising a boy. I hope though we’ll raise an open minded understanding awesome kid who isn’t trapped in the little boxes that boys get put in. Although men have always had more opportunity in life, I still feel like they are gender trapped more than girls are. A girl riding a blue spider man bike wouldn’t cause any attention. But a boy riding a pink my little pony bike would. There is a huge double standard (because women are viewed as less than then men).

But anyway, here we are. This is really happening. I’m going to be sobbing as I clean out my daughter’s closet. I’m also going to be okay. And I am so grateful for their health and the gift that is being given to me.