Surgery phobia

I don’t understand you “lovers of newborn babies.” The thought of a second child has REALLY been on my mind now. Now that I can see beyond the first couple of years. That my child is adorable and hilarious and sleeps and is potty trained and I can rationalize with her (some of the time). I’d totally clone her if I could, minus the whole not sleeping thing in the first year.

There are two, okay three? err four? major “I don’t think I can have another kid” things that come up for me.

1. Getting through another c-section. No one seems to be able to answer this question/issue for me because they all answer it the same way. “The second c-section is way easier than the first because you are well rested, it’s planned, and the recovery is so much better.” So, let me start by saying that my issue is not about the c-section or recovery. I mean, the recovery sucked (a lot) but I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with, is my SERIOUS PHOBIA OF SURGERY/MEDICAL PROCEDURES. I don’t think you understand how bad this is for me. To illustrate my point:

• once had a wart frozen off on my hand in the office. I was faint for an hour afterward. Seriously had to lie down in my car in the parking lot for an additional 30 minutes before I could drive
• fainted BEFORE having my wisdom teeth removed and tooth implant put in, even though I knew that I would be under a twilight anesthetic so I wouldn’t be aware of the procedure
• I can barely make it through a dental cleaning without freaking out. For cavities, I have to have nitrous oxide, and for anything more (like crowns or any other procedures) I had to take a Halcion pill plus nitrous oxide to make me be so out of it.
• During my last c-section, I wasn’t upset about having a c-section. I mean, it wasn’t ideal but I wasn’t devastated. However, I had a full blown panic attack as they were prepping me and I would not calm down so they gave me a ton of a sedative and I don’t remember any of the c-section at all. I FELT NOTHING. You understand? I felt NOTHING. I was actually on a Dr. Who trip, spinning down down down into peach oblivion, convinced that I was dying. And the after affects of all those tranquilizers was bad, really really bad.

So, I CAN’T undergo another c-section (at least, that’s what my brain is telling me). I can’t even fathom experiencing the tugging/pushing/pulling/smell of blood or skin being cauterized. I mean, HOW DO PEOPLE GO THROUGH THAT AWAKE?! I seriously don’t even know. I JUST DON’T. I know there is the option of vaginal birth after cecearan but I just don’t think that’s going to happen. When my daughter was born, she was still cone headed and she had never even DROPPED far down. I think my pelvis is weird shaped like my mom’s and no baby is getting out that way.

So…. what do I do? Anyone got any ideas?! lol  I am actually going to talk to my friend who is a specialist in treating anxiety, and see what her thoughts are on the matter.

2. So, second reason is sleep deprivation. I know this time around, I would make some things happen to make it better than it was. I really did too much on my own last time, and this time I would involve a lot more pumping/formula feeding to make my husband help. I just think about how NOT WELL I was doing that whole first year. I can’t imagining functioning like that while trying to take care of another child.

3. I over commit. Right now, I’m working 30 hours a week AND I have started up part time photography which btw is taking up all my extra time. I know that is something that I have 100% control over whether I do or not, so I could always take a big break from it. So, I need to not worry about that one.

4. Our house just doesn’t have room for a 2nd child. We’d need to move but….  that brings with it a lot of other complications and I’m not sure we would be able to do that in the next year.

So, the good news is that Adam seems on board about eventually wanting another kid. He really loves our daughter so much and gets a lot of enjoyment out of spending time with her. I know her personality, and she would be an awesome helper and a wonderful big sister. So, item #1 is my biggest concern. And I know that’s just like 20 minutes of your whole life. I know rationally. And I guess worst case they just pump me full of sedatives again……..

so here I am talking myself into having another child. Maybe next year we’ll seriously consider it.