Dragging – 5 weeks

Today I am dragging. The hubs had to wake me up this morning when our daughter was apparently at our bedroom door. She’s finally in the “I think I’ll just come find you” phase instead of calling for us from her bed. Yeah, we’ve crossed that threshold. I had wondered at what point you stop putting a monitor in their room. I mean, it will be at least another year for that. But I can see how that transition might happen.

I’m so tired (thank you hormones) and I am also starting to work toward quitting caffeine. Except today I didn’t. I had my regular cup of coffee. I am almost out of my K-cups so I’m going that route. Tomorrow I will go down in size on the coffee and I also bought some chia black tea, which has between 25-40 mg of caffeine. I’m doing the step down program. Little by little until I get to barely anything.

I’m so worried about miscarriage. Not that there is anything I can do about it. It’s just like, in the last week, I have known or spent time with people who have all had miscarriages at 8 weeks. Well, meaning that when they went in for their 8 week appointment, the baby hadn’t developed/had no heartbeat, etc. So I’m just like UGH. Funny how the brain focuses on the next big possible problem. If the ultrasound is good in 3.5 weeks then I’m sure I’ll be focused on the genetic testing. Not that any of that is in my control at all.

Since I do have a 3 year old and my life is pretty damn busy with a ton of things it does make it easier not to think about it/obsess over it. I try to just allow myself a few minutes each day to really focus on it and then move on.

My boobs hurt like crazy. My daughter kicked me lightly in the chest today when I was tickling her and I thought I might pass out. I need a metal cage around them to protect them. They are already heavy and thick. Second time pregnancy, what kind of watermelons might they become.

On a random note I got a message from one of my friends (not a close friend but we did just stay with her and her husband in Colorado). I’ve met her mom a few times at some of her parties.

Friend: So, my mom just asked me if you were pregnant. Which is weird bc, no offense, we don’t really talk about you 🙂 She’s been known to be a little psychic. Maybe time to test 🙂

Me: lol! yes almost 5 weeks

Friend: What?!?!?

Me: Does she know if the pregnancy will stick?! Ask her that

Friend: Congrats! I’ll ask :p  It’s funny she usually knows when someone is pregnant, or going to die (shit for the morbidity)

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So that was funny. Also my daughter has been non-stop talking about me having a baby in my tummy. We have not talked about it AT ALL around her. Although my husband’s step sister is about to give birth, so the idea of babies in people’s tummies in something she is familiar with. The husband even told me she told him I had a baby in my tummy about a week or so ago and he thought I had said something to her. Nope. Definitely not. Yesterday and today she has been saying “one day when I get bigger you will have a baby in your tummy and I will be a big sister.” She’s obsessed. So hopefully that’s a good sign. I really really want this to work out so I can inform her of the good news.

 

 

 

 

Numbers

Went to my doc’s office yesterday for the blood draw (I was 17dpo). HCG came back at 850 and progesterone came back at 17.7 so all is good.

I think it’s funny because I always lie to them when they ask when my last menstrual period was. I mean, this time around, I ovulated on day 21. With my first pregnancy, I ovulated on day 33. So anyway they never ask “when do you think you ovulated?” and calculate things on that… so annoying. So I just counted forward 7 days and lied and said my period was on July 25th that way all the dates would match up with everything. UGH AMERICA. Why do we do it like that?!

I won’t get my first ultrasound until I am 8 weeks. BOOOOO. So much to get through in the next month. With my first pregnancy, for whatever reason I got an ultrasound at 6 weeks. Damn. Oh well, now another month of waiting.

Last pee stick photo I promise

16dpo first morning urine. I really love this line. 

Still good

14dpo. Period was due yesterday. Took another test in the evening, got another faint line. So faint lines on all. I went to the manufacturer website and they all look spot on for what the manufacturer says is normal for the time around missed period. See manufacturers photo below compared with my test from yesterday.

 

I am not spending $15 on a test that won’t change the outcome anyhow. 😁

Boobs are aching. Having loose stools (that happened with my first pregnancy). And now almost two days late. Definitely pregnant. Now just hoping to wait it out to get to the ultrasound in a little over two weeks probably. I will call my doc on Wednesday .

I told my parents  which is totally new for me as the first pregnancy I waited 10 whole weeks to say anything . Yes 10 weeks. So for them to know 2 days in, is wild. My mom is so excited and I know she will be so sad if this baby doesn’t stick. I would have told them either way of course.

Sorry if my faint lines are freaking you all out hahahah

 

In Cali

I’m visiting my friend in California now. Obviously I’m freaking out and monitoring every symptom and having the “what will I find when I go to the bathroom” kind of fear. UGH. I hate that.

I tested again yesterday (12dpo) with the internet cheapies. Top on is second morning urine and bottom is first morning urine.

I brought some more tests here but I haven’t tested yet (I don’t have a plastic cup. ugh. I need to ask my friend).

I refuse to go buy a digital and waste $20. Won’t make a difference in the end anyway. I hate the next 2 to 2.5 weeks of nerve racking wait. boooooooooooooooooooo

Boobs are tingley and stingy at times. Occasional light cramps on and off. Lots of creamy wet discharge. Enjoy that image. You’re welcome 😉

Told myself I was going to wait but

I think I got a squinter!! I mean, it’s positive. It is. I know what stark white looks like. Really. I know it’s early. 11 dpo. A chemical is possible, all things are possible. But I am so excited (and terrified).

Excited because a) my husband’s sperm are working properly despite his heavy biking. YES and b) my body is working

So of course I will be so sad if it doesn’t work out but at least relieved that my worst fears are not happening.

YA’LL, HOLY SHIT. Everyone is asleep. I think I will test again tomorrow, or later tonight and tell the hubs… who will have mixed emotions because babies.. holy shit. 

 

and here is where I turned up the clarity using some photo editing software

It’s August

Damn. It’s August. And it’s like a sauna where I live. It’s so so bad. I hate August.

We went to Colorado and it was amazing. AMAZING. I wish we could live there all summer like rich people do. Alas, not us.

My husband was mountain biking down the mountain and fell off his bike and slid down 20 feet on sharp rocks. He was wearing knee pads and all but they slid off him due to the force. He was pretty beat up. Nasty gash on his knee, elbow, hands, a bruised rib and bruises on his hip. No stitches required though, but he’s been hobbling around for awhile. I was annoyed because ummm… ttc with a busted husband does not work so well. We were returning on CD13. I had sort of given up this cycle because well, as I mentioned, he was busted. I took a few OPKs here and there but I haven’t been temping at all. I’ve really enjoyed not temping. I mean, it provokes some anxiety in me but at the same time I’m like…. not repeatedly looking at my fertility friend app like a crazy person.

Anyway, 2 days ago I took an OPK on a whim because it was CD20 and I was still having some EWCM and that definitely doesn’t show up after O. So crazy the OPK was positive (I’m pretty sure anyway). So I begged my husband to rally, just so we would at least have one shot this month. It was not easy, let me tell you. A bruised rib hurts as much as a cracked rib. We managed to make it happen. What’s crazy is if we conceive this round than essentially this kiddo would have the same due date as my first kid. I won’t be too disappointed if that doesn’t happen. Again, not that stoked about summer births because as I mentioned in my first post, DAMN IT’S SO FREAKING HOT. You can’t even GO outside with a kid right now. It’s actually DANGEROUS to do so. And I know my post partum depression was in part due to going stir crazy. Absolutely stir crazy.

I do have this insane fantasy though. Like, I give birth to a summer kid and somehow I have my shit together enough for us all to get in the car and make the 20 hour drive to Colorado and we rent a place up there for 3 weeks while I’m on maternity leave and we just walk around in the cool air and maybe we sent my daughter to some kind of day camp (yeah right, she would hate that). But just having some kind of change of pace. A girl can dream.

Anyway, I’ll be in Los Angeles on August 20th to visit one of my best friends and her 2 kids and husband. I’m staying with them for 3 nights (my daughter and husband are staying home). My period will be due right around then so it’s a good place for me to be actually. If it shows, it shows and I’ll just be happy to be hanging with my bestie.