CD1

Wooohoooo!!!! AF arrival! It was a 34 day cycle. Not as fun as 26 but I’ll take it. And corresponds to approximately a 12-14 day luteal phase. This month I’m armed and ready! Bring it on body. Show me what you got.

Nothing going on

So boring just waiting for a period to show up. I am kicking myself for not realizing that the cramping on cd 20 was ovulation cramping followed by 2 days of EWCM and not just forcing my husband to get in the sack to cover our bases. I just really thought it was implantation. Nothing in my last 5 cycles has been like this. ARGH. It’s one thing to try and then it just doesn’t work, it’s another thing when you miss the boat completely. Now just walking around annoyed. Annoyed that my cycles might be getting longer too.

Anyone got tips for shortening cycles?

Figuring it out

I think my cycles are regressing back to being long. Noooooooooooooooooo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I think this month it played an evil trick on me. I think on days 10, 11, and 12 when I had copious amounts of egg white mucus my body never ovulated. I think it geared up but failed. And then 7 days later when I had crazy uterine cramps, that was maybe a sign of impending ovulation because following that I  had 2 days of egg white mucus (on day 22/23). Too bad we didn’t have sex then. God damn it. I took my basal temp today and it was 98. I looked back at my old charts (before my first pregnancy) and 98 was a high temp, meaning post ovulation. So now I am pretty sure my period will come between day 35 and 40. Which means that probably next month I will ovulate on a day in the 20’s…. but I will be prepared. Temping for sure. Possibly OPKs. The only minor hiccup is that I am supposed to be in Seattle in the middle of June for a conference. Now my husband might have a real reason to join me if it corresponds over my fertile days. UGH.

 

Charting

So here are my charts since my IUD removal December 1st (period coming December 26th). The  March chart is not 100% right, I didn’t record all my period days but it was a normal 4-5 days.

That “note” on this last cycle (cycle day 20) is when I had all that uterine cramping all day long that was rather bothersome.

What if my body didn’t release an egg at the usual time. What if something weird happened and then it realized it around cycle day 22? I guess because I didn’t temp we will never know *forehead slap*

A watched pot never  boils… and a watched period never shows =P

 

AF on the way

Feeling so blah. Every pregnancy test has been negative, including one this morning. It’s cycle day 28. Most of my cycles have been 26 days long, except for last cycle which was 32 days long. But weird to me because all of my egg white CM was coming on day 10/11/12 vs last month when it was a 32 day long cycle the CM was on day 14/15/16…. so what gives? When did I ovulate? WHY was I not just doing temping like I should have been?

I know I shouldn’t be complaining. A) this is month 1  B) when I got pregnant with my daughter, my cycles were 45 days long. I didn’t even OVULATE until day 32/33….   I can’t believe I had to wait longer than one of my now normal cycles in order to just ovulate. *shudder*

Fertility friend says my period should come tomorrow (even though I’ve only been imputing my menses and CM into it for the past few months).

December – 28 day cycle  – EWCM on days 13/14

January – 26 day cycle – EWCM on days 11/12/13/14

February – 26 day cycle (forgot to record EWCM)

March – 32 day cycle  (EWCM on days 13/14/15/16)

I guess FF will be right and AF will come tomorrow. I hope she hurries up so I can get on the bandwagon. This month I’ll be ordering a basal thermometer, OPKs, and the works =P

I am ready for a margarita. A damn good one too.

Symptomless

No symptoms here. Just cruising along feeling perfect. It’s like everything disappeared 2 days ago. *shrug* so who knows. Still holding out until Sunday to test. MAYBE even Monday?! I just read all this stuff on fertility friend talking about how really early testing is just not good and so many people get negatives. Testing on the day of the missed period is ideal, or even days after. But who can hold out that long? Sunday would still not be day of missed period….. so who knows.

I’m gearing up for my daughter’s birthday party tomorrow. I’m super excited as is she. It’s going to be awesome. It’s good to have things to look forward to.

I splurged and bought the fancy test

It was a waste. Hah. Decided to try out the first response test and it was a negative today. I think I might just wait until Sunday to test. Again, not totally sure if my period is expected Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday. It’s Thursday. Sunday we should know something (probably). Plus my daughter’s birthday is this Saturday and I’ve got so much to do. I really need to be on point. Going to try to get this stuff out of my head (or at least put it on the side for now and not give it too much attention). It’s amazing how much time I can be googling 10DPO pregnancy tests……………..  why why why why. It doesn’t change anything! lol.

Holding out!

Where life is moving

Today I had to drop my daughter who is almost 3 off at her daycare. Last week she transitioned to the new 3 year old’s class. She has friends in that class but the transition has still be really hard. She was very attached to her previous teachers. Drop offs have always been hard but these have been especially brutal. She is always happy as a lark when we pick her up and tells us all the fun things she did at school. But whenever I drop her off and she screams and cries and looks at me with this face of desperation as the teachers have to hold her, it breaks my heart into a million little pieces. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I have so many conflicting emotions. I wish I could stay home with her, or at least just send her to school 2 days a week so that maybe she would have more mommy time. I want this for her sake, not for mine. I feel tremendous amounts of guilt sometimes that I like working and being at work. I enjoy being away from my daughter. It’s exhausting playing with a 3 year old all the time. I don’t know if that’s because I have so many other things on my plate that I feel like I need to do, or because I just generally only have so much enjoyment over playing playdough so many times or doing pretend voices for the little people toys or playing “doctor” role plays over and over. For her sake, I want to be present and just be this awesome person who plays with her non-stop and comes up with all kinds of creative things for us to do. I think about my best friend who stays home with her 2 kids and I just kind of want to blow my brains out thinking about that scenario. But working 30 hours a week as well as doing some photography on the side and working on starting up a private practice right now definitely means I’m stretched very thin.

If I really wanted to, could I just stop working and send my daughter to school 2 days a week? Probably. But my spouse is still actually “unemployed” although he is doing a lot of contract work (he’s a computer programmer/web designer). But he doesn’t have benefits. My job provides us *incredible* health insurance. I also have other major benefits like sick and vacation as well as retirement. We would be paying an arm and a leg without it. Second, we have a mortgage. We could probably sell our house and move somewhere else but my spouse really likes where we live. His idea of his standard of living is rather high (in my opinion).

Anyway, point is, I’m not cutting my hours anymore anytime soon. But I am working on starting up private practice. June 1 I start 4 hours a week, Wednesday evenings. A big part of me thinks, I really have to cut out photography. At least maybe only reserve 1 weekend a month for photography each month. I’ve enjoyed making an extra $400 a month but at some point, something has to give. I can’t be committed all the time every weekend. Oh, also in June, I’m going to this major conference for like 5 nights for work. I am SO EXCITED but also freaking out because I’ve never been away that long from my child. Already I feel like I am not making enough time for her.

Part of the reason I am doing this private practice thing is that my goal is 1 year from now to possibility be able to reduce my hours at my current job to maybe 20 hours a week. If I can average 10 full pay clients a week in counseling, that will definitely help pay the bills. But for now, I have to start somewhere.I just know I can’t continue this structured *must be at work these certain hours* kind of job if we are going to have 2 kids. I just can’t function like that. I DO need work. We absolutely cannot afford to be on one paycheck. And I DO need work for my mental health as well. It’s very very very important to me. So, send me the good vibes this year of pursuing my dreams. It’s terrifying.

 

Vertigo

Ugh I HATE vertigo. I know there are some youtube videos with exercises showing how to get relief. It does seem to be hormonally related as I often get it a day  before my period shows up. But again, we are still 5-7 days out from my expected period. Other symptoms are sore boobs which  I never get.

I know I need to quit the caffeine. It’s just SO HARD with a toddler. I’ve already reduced the size of the cup of caffeine that I drink in the morning and have kept it to just that one cup. I think next week I will reduce it again to the smallest size my Keurig makes and then after that start going to half-caff. I love coffee so much. The trade off is worth it.

Anyway, it’s cycle day 22…. so T minus 4 days maybe?

 

7 or 8 or 9 DPO

I don’t really know exactly when I ovulated. I didn’t temp this month but my got says last Saturday or Sunday, but possibly Monday. Yesterday I had mild to moderate cramping on and off all day. If I had been on  my period I would have taken advil to help. They were definitely “ouchy.” My back ached too. I mean, this was very very noticeable and like whoah.   I’m hoping this is a very good sign of implantation. They felt exactly as I remember cramping feeling during early pregnancy (although I don’t remember having implantation cramps last time around).I’ve NEVER gotten cramps like these before while not on my period, and even when on my period I rarely get cramps.

So now if it was implantation, I gotta hope that it sticks. And then develops right. And wow. So many hurdles. But hoping it will really be this easy.

I really want to test on Wednesday. But I also know if I do I need to prepare myself mentally because a) it could easily be negative because it would be too early  b) it could be positive but AF could still come next weekend if it ended in a chemical pregnancy.

I actually don’t even own any pregnancy tests and have been putting off buying them. We’ll see. Please pass quickly next few days.